What do you call it when you go down on a virgin?
The Hymen-lick maneuver

Since I bought my new fleshlight my masturbation has got out of hand.

I had to let off some steam earlier.
It had burned me, but I'm sure it didn't mean to.

On my first day at my new cricket club I was bowled a bouncer to test my reflexes.
I was surprised how the bowler could pick such a big person up nevermind throwing him around.

A light bulb tried to start a fight with me, so I resisted it.
It got Ohmed!
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Sorry, my jokes are really ammeter.

I was going to tell a joke about my girlfriends chest, and I'll come onto that later.

Attacked by a shark.. that was completely out of the blue.

The government finally plans to make a memorial for the Boxing Day Tsunami. I couldn't help but feel a memorial for the victims would be more appropriate.

Amazing facts website: 'A pound of potato chips costs 200 times more than a pound of potatoes'
Err no it doesn't, they cost the same. A pound.

I like to embrace new cultures.
I have one growling on my bell-end right now.

Heard in the news today that Drug Rhab are still trying to find out who took the E.

I saw a Paki biting his nails this morning.
Poor bloke will do anything to escape that box I trapped him in.

Sitting on the bus today i was bored so decided to whip it out and have a fiddle
I got a few weird looks while others watched, and one lady asked me to slow down
I dont know what id do without my Rubik Cube

I've noticed my teenage daughter has been rolling her skirt up in a bid to get attention from the boys at school.
They've noticed alright. But only coz she's been using her knickers as a roach.

MSN News: "Storm due in flood-hit Australia".
You would have thought she'd of arrived earlier and stopped the weather causing havoc before so many people died...

My wife said to me that she spends too much time on her feet.
I told her I under stand.

My Dad was fixing the door yesterday when I barged through it, not realising he was on his steps the other side.
He really flew off the handle.

What do you call a female chameleon?
Blender

The other day I had my photo taken with AC/DC.
I'm at the back in black.

I've just started seeing this girl. Not only does she get on with all my mates and likes football, but she's also a squirter.
What a geyser bird.

My grandmother is mad, the way she bought all those old ornaments from an auction.
I love her antics.

looking back, i walked into a wall

When my twelve-year-old daughter came home from school last night she came up to my room, started sobbing and told me that the form teacher had been coming on to her all day.
Without hesitating I slapped her round the face and told her she was grounded for a month.
I'm not having any daughter of mine doing bukkake.

An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.

I love going window shopping. Sometimes, I even buy a door.