Where do Jewish Hipsters "Shop until they Drop?"
....
Urban Auschwitters.

I lied awake in bed, but she believed every word.

When I get invited to a fancy dinner party, I always go commando.
I find it can be a real conversation starter when I smash the sky light and zip line into the room.

After using the toilet for some time, I returned to the bedroom.
When you're broke and without a watch, you get to use weird alternatives.

I once realised you could make a fortune selling leaves to vegetarians. Ever since then i've been raking it in.

Revenue and Customs have reported that Man United recorded their worst loss this season.
6-1 to Manchester City.

My insomnia is so bad I should be thrown in prison for resisting a rest.

As soon as my girlfriend gets home, I'm going to rip off her clothes.
Her skirt's a bit tight on me and I can't walk in her heels.

Anyone want a plate?
Speak now or forever hold your pizza.

Should anything ever happen to me at work I want them to call Barbie and inform her.
She's my next of Ken.

On my third round at the golf course I managed to hit a stunning albatross.
And they said that an Ak47 wasn't an appropriate hunting weapon

I took the Jubilee line, today.
Even my drug taking is getting into the spirit this weekend.

I took the Jubilee line, today.
Even my drug taking is getting into the spirit this weekend.

Fellow programmers! Free computer codes involving int data types, float and double.
No strings attached.

My great grandfather was the chemist who discovered Cobalt. So, in celebration of this, when he died, he was buried in a coffin made completely of Cobalt.
Now he's in his element.

I know where my grandma keeps her stash...
It's connected to her upper lip.

'Wigs for biscuits'
by Gary Baldi

I know when I'm not wanted.
I seem to spend all my time there.

Just watched this game show on telly where after 3 rounds of eliminations to get to the final, this pair of contestants didn't get the answer needed in order to win the jackpot, so they walked away with nothing. It seems to be pointless.

On casual friday, I nearly lost my job for serious misconduct.
I will change my drag name next week to seriously Miss Understood.

Next week i'm going to Italy for 3 months.
I'm not sure whereabouts though.
Probably just Turin about.

A Man, a woman and a Sheep, Pig and a Cow. Would this be a menagerie a trois?

Got a new job giving baths in a nursing home.
I put the 'oap' into 'soap'.

I've always got time for people without a watch

I was planning on making my girlfriend Happy today.
But I can't get a dwarf costume from anywhere.