Why aren't I allowed to be around epileptic kids?
Because I'm a flasher

Me and the wife are going to see a Take That tribute band tonight...
They are called Have This

Why did I stick my genitals into a bees nest?
For the buzz.

Just saw a French hooker penetrate through the back.
They are a great rugby team though.

I suffer from terrible gas.
The supply's been intermittent ever since I moved in.

My mate asked me to look after his three kids.
I don't mind.

I find attacking strikers in football very offensive.

I said to my mate, "Ooh have you tried that new lemon flavoured lager?"
He said, "No, is it bitter?"
I said, "No, I just said, it's lager."

The other day, my girlfriend said to me "I've never heard anyone call me fat."
I replied "You mastodon."

I don't know why the chef keeps fire blankets in the kitchen, fires are hot enough as they are.

I've been looking everywhere for my world map.
Atlas, I found it.

It looks like all those News of the World readers are going to have to get with The Times.

When I found out that all the fish at my holiday home in Florida were being eaten by a heron, I got the phone number of a local hunter and organised for him to kill it.
Just before I hung up the phone I said to him, "I'm a bit worried that I can't track your progress from here in England. How will I know that you've actually killed it?"
"That's easy", he replied, "I'll send you the bill".

My girlfriend said to me "I really love BJs, but I hate deep throat."
I said "You must be choking."

I went on a date with a girl yesterday.
"What would you like to do?" I said.
"Would you like to eat out?" she replied.
"Depends...have you shaved?"

I'm not making enough money as a waiter and I need a way to make more.
Anyone got any tips?

I just read a description of a narcissist. I swear they were talking about me.

I raised my daughter Iris a Hindu, yet my son Terry has had a Christian upbringing.
I was always told to dot my i's and cross my t's.

I've just opened a pub at the highest point in Northern Ireland.
It's called Top Of The Mourne Inn.

I went up to a couple of women in a bar and said, "Do you mind if I join you?"
One of them said, "Sure, go on then"
They got a bit freaked out when I pulled out my sewing kit though.

I was trying to think of brain-related fetishes, but nothing comes to mind.

My wife missed her weight watchers meeting.
She had to much on her plate.

My teacher told me today that being clever doesn't suit me. She's just jealous because I got one over on her earlier when I was asked what I thought wiped out the dinosaurs. I said, 'your board rubber Miss.'

Me and the girlfriend were in bed the other night discussing our favourite rice dishes.
I love pilau talk.

I walked past a homeless man today and he asked me if I had any money on me.
As it happens I had a tenner stuck to my forehead.