Wordplay Joke

My friend said "Follow me Pb"
I'm easily lead.

Wordplay Joke

After weeks of trying to figure out a cure for herpes, I've got it!

Wordplay Joke

Night Cops 2: It's 3am and the Swindon Night Cops are about to raid a house looking for drugs.
Shouldn't they be out working?

Wordplay Joke

I have been trying to stop smoking for the past 20 years.
I'm an anti-tobacco campaigner

Wordplay Joke

I had to undergo an emergency marrow transplant yesterday.
It was too late though, my vegetable soup was ruined.

Wordplay Joke

I went into a music shop earlier to see if I could get some Cash for my guitar.
I came out with his Greatest Hits and the lyrics to Ring of Fire.

Wordplay Joke

My worst ever shopping experience was in HMV when I queued for 127 Hours.

Wordplay Joke

I cheated on my wife and now she says shes going to leave me, because 'I keep making subtle jokes about it'
I said ' Thats affair point'.

Wordplay Joke

I think the real solution to this crisis we're in is changing America's credit rating to PG.

Wordplay Joke

People are comparing the Tottenham riots to the ones in Egypt.
I can see the similarities; loads of Africans running around burning stuff.

Wordplay Joke

What do you call a good and bad stock cube?
An Oxomoron.

Wordplay Joke

After being diagnosed with a terminal illness, my wife said I should get my affairs in order.
So I'm seeing Anne on Monday, Christine on Tuesday and Denise on Wednesday.

Wordplay Joke

When telling me about his family's trip to the zoo that day, my Jamaican friend said;
"We saw a Tiger there today, it was Shere Khan".
I replied
"What, from the Jungle Book?, why do you think it was Shere Khan?"
He said
"The zoo keeper told me it has Parkinsons".

Wordplay Joke

I've been studying abroad for 2 years now,
She still doesn't know.

Wordplay Joke

What's old & ropey?
Old rope.

Wordplay Joke

I have to give a speech on the link between anxiety and insomnia next week.
I've been up all night worrying about it.

Wordplay Joke

All my mates told me I needed a new battery in my watch.
I'm sure it was a wind up.

Wordplay Joke

The ball-and-chain has just told me I'm not allowed to go to Dave's poker evening tonight.
I guess it's true what they say - if you spend long enough in solitary confinement, you start hallucinating.

Wordplay Joke

Before he went out cycling, I tried to convince my son to wear a hi-visibility jacket.
"I wouldn't be seen dead wearing that." he said.
That's kind of the point, I thought.

Wordplay Joke

The crossword was looking for a seven letter word meaning expected or usual but of course I wasn't able to come up with one.
Typical.

Wordplay Joke

What do you call it when your parachute doesn't open?
Jumping to a conclusion.

Wordplay Joke

Just finished making the first episode of a murder mystery series set on an aeroplane.
It was the pilot.

Wordplay Joke

For the record......
I don't own a turntable.

Wordplay Joke

I've just had to put up with the mrs going on about 50 shades of grey...
That's the last time I take her to B&Q!

Wordplay Joke

I've been teaching my dog how to count. I said "Rover, whats three plus two minus five"? and Rover said nothing.