My boss called me into his office to see how my first day was going.
He asked, "How are you finding your role?"
I said, "If I'm honest, it could do with a little more mayo."

I made a chicken wrap this morning but it wasn't very good.
It was totally out of tune and don't get me started on his beatboxing.

I finally managed to catch the sun today after years of failing.
The paperboy was so impressed, he gave it to me, for free.

The Iranian version of How to look good naked got off to a rocky start.

I found myself trapped by some tall hedges,
I was amazed.

I've been training to be a pasta chef.
It's going okay, apart from the fusilli mistakes.

The Sun - Prize Blunder: Nan ate 10,000 Kit Kat
Give her a break!

All that glitters - has a high refractive index.

I've just paid 1000 for a sheepskin rug.
I think i've been fleeced.

I was thinking of taking up that martial art that uses bamboo swords. I now find out I just wont have the time.
So its no Kendo.

My mums sister is very knowledgeable when it comes to time pieces,
good old Aunty Clockwise..

I was asked to be a speaker at a charity event next weekend.
I've just finished painting a giant cardboard box black for my costume.

It was perfectly normal for the nurse to give me a bed bath.
Just seemed strange because I was in the vets at the time.

My mate's a squatter.
He pee's like a girl.

I'm a very bad escape artist.
I don't get out much.

I've just watched the final Michael Jackson film and thought, Is this it?

I stole my last girlfriend's heart. Now I'm under cardiac arrest.

My doctor told me I have a hideous deformity on the side of my face.
The cheek...

Astronomy is looking up!

What's the difference between a postman and a postwoman?
A few letters.

I just ate a midnight snack. One and a half after eights.

Our wheelie bin didn't get emptied today because of the snow.
Perhaps I may have put a little too much snow in it.

I sold a couple of Adele Cd's on e-bay about a fortnight ago, and the people who bought them are refusing to pay.
Do you think I should give up, or keep on chasing payments?

My bodybuilder mate told me that everytime he sees meat he has a fit.
Must be the protein shakes.

A friend of mine is known for going round to peoples houses and stealing pictures of them,
It's a poor trait.