The Cow.
There's no udder animal like it.

My friend and his wife are getting married in either a lego church or castle.
Not sure which yet, they keep rearranging it.

I asked to join the Freudian club at the library today.
"Certainly," said the lady, "just fill in this slip."

eBay: A crate of second hand Oranges, was 90 pence, now 10 pence.
They must have been rejuiced.

I'm Having a Lord Of The Rings movie marathon tonight.
All welcome, the Mordor merrier.

My mate told me he wanted to post an item to Beijing.
I said 'Courier?'
He said 'No, it's in China'

My mate designed trousers that changes colour according to your mood.
Smarty pants.

My son just came downstairs all excited and said, "Dad, I've just learnt what the German word for mobile phone is."
"That's handy", I replied.

My Dad had just come back from America, I met him at the airport and he said, "I picked you this up from the plane, its one of them iPads"
I was amazed and so happy, until he handed me a bag and said, "you know they go over your eyes and help you sleep"

My friend asked me for help selling his scrabble set.
I told him I'd put the word out.

Have you ever heard of cosine apples?
They grow on trigonometrees.

My mate phoned me earlier and said, "Do you fancy moving abroad?"
"Is she dead like the last one?" I replied.

My son tragically died after falling into a vat of sugar.
I played 'Sweet child of mine' at his funeral.

Did I ever tell anyone that my sister went out with a former Charlton striker?
They had to break up though, it turned out he was Bent.

I beat my wife with a tennis racket.
Served her right.

My mate told me he lived in a teapot.
I thought, "Pour you".

I was in the queue for Slimming World for 3 hours yesterday before giving up and going home.
I couldn't stand the weight.

Signatures are just like life:
It starts off well and then you just give up towards the end.

What's hard, hairy and full of white juices?
A coconut

Fight apathy.
Or don't.

I've got a great geography joke for you.
But you really had to be there.

My Grandad talks in riddles and said to me the other day, "It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative manoeuvres."
I didn't understand him, but thought, oh well, you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

The rotational force of a settlement really is the torque of the town.

I just saw a micro-biologist on T.V. He was bigger than I imagined

Started up as a self employed hitman recently.
Business is great. I've been making a killing.