I was born an abbot and I will Diane Abbott.

I got lost in the port on the way to loading bay7, so I had to go back to bay6 and start again

I've recently been working on making furniture out of dough.
Right now I'm on a roll.

Black holes suck

Know how to make Vanilla Ice cream?
Tell him it's still 1989.

Watched a beautiful show called 'Cooking with Cannibals'
It was Heart-Warming.

Eastman Kodak has filed for bankruptcy.
I think they're being a little negative.

My wife said "I'm leaving. You treat me like a dog."
I patted the seat next to me and said "Come, sit. I want you to stay."

I can't stand fish.
They have no legs.

Now is not the time for vanity...
Now is the time to show the world how incredibly awesome I am!

"D'you think Mos Def is short for something?"
"Most definitely."

I was showing my girlfriend my amazing new magic watch the other day.
"Look!" I said. "It says you don't have any underwear on!"
"But I do..." She replied.
"Oh really? It must be 15 minutes fast then."

They say blood is thicker than water so be nice to your family,
But custard is thicker than blood,
So should we be nice to Trifle's then ?

I just saw that 'Nutella' was trending on twitter
Someone must have spread the word.

Seve Ballesteros was actually called Steve until the first tee off.

weekday breakfast - Snap, Crackle and Pop
weekend breakfast - Smack, Crack and Pot

I swear, the only reason I get up in the morning is that it's my favourite Pixar film.

My son came home from school today and said 'In school today, I couldn't find a rubber so I used my finger, And it worked!'
I replied 'If I used my finger, when I couldn't find a rubber, Then you wouldn't be born.'

I just went to the cinema and they had put a barrier in front of my seat so I couldn't see the screen. I can't get my head around it.

It's my job to bring home the bacon in our house.
I work in a butchers

Just went Christmas shopping for my girlfriend and got her something a foot long, hard, guaranteed to make her wet.
She's gonna love that water pistol.

I was filling up with petrol the other day when a fellow motorist took the pump out of my mouth and put it in my car.

I went to see a river in Germany the other day but there was rubbish and pollution in it.
It was Volga.

I came to make a bukkake joke, but it looks as if it's been covered.

I've Just been to see the optician, I keep seeing puff pastries out the corner of my eye....
Turns out it's just profiterole vision.