Results day for my daughter and, like many parents, I'm more than a little nervous.
Is the baby mine?
My doorbell rang this morning.
I didn't even know it had a phone.
Legitimate CD sales are killing piracy.
I was pulled over by the police today.
"How fast do you think you were going, sir?"
"60mph?" I asked.
"Try 135," the officer replied.
So I shut the door and drove as fast as I could.
I saw a good looking woman walking down the street, so I gave her a wolf whistle.
"What's this for?" she asked.
I said, "If you see a wolf, blow on that and someone will come and rescue you."
Since I was a 14 year old lad, I've dated girls in alphabetical order, starting from A, in an attempt to one day make it to Z.
My newest girlfriend, Yvonne, is convinced I'll go back to my X.
I missed my bus this morning.
I really shouldn't get so sentimental about public transport.
I took my girlfriend Eileen to an orgy party last week,
You should have seen the mess she was in when they started playing Dexy's midnight runners...........
I was at a party with some mates the other day and one of them said to me, "Is that the queue for the punch bowl over there?"
So I went over to the queue to find out and was told that it was actually for the buffet and that the punch had all gone.
So, as a result, there was no punch line.
A guy challenged me to a drinking contest. Now, Im not a big drinker, but boy can I eat.
I replied, Youd definitely drink me under the table. But, Id eat you under the table."
I now see my mistake.
Two mountaineers reach a huge, deep fissure in a glacier.
"Careful here," says one of them. "My mountain guide fell down there last year."
"I bet you feel bad about that," says the other.
"Not really, it was pretty old and missing a few pages."
Yesterday I shot a little girl, held her under water for 5 minutes then hung her.
I love the euphemisms of being a photographer.
I've spent my entire life researching the multiples of zero and it has amounted to nothing.
There's a gang going through our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order...
The police believe they're still at large.
Chuckle brothers quotes aren't at all catchy to me,
I asked my missus, "What do you want for your birthday, fatty?"
She said, "Don't get lippy."
Mascara it is then.
I got caught shoplifting yesterday in Boots.
I normally wear trainers.
Never get stuck behind the devil in a post office queue.
For the devil can take many forms.
I just watched my daughter's netball team play for a place in the under eleven's final.
What a semi.
Putting the putting into putting.
All I got for my last birthday was a pack of sticky playing cards.....
I found it really hard to deal with.
I hate it when I run out of Staples.
So do their security guards.
I told my mate that, in order to get laid, I'd promised my girlfriend that I'd marry her in the summer.
He said, "July?"
I said, "Of course I did."
My dog is a blacksmith.
Everytime I open the front door he makes a bolt for it.
My mate has no hands.
I feel for him.