My daughter's just hit the age where she asks questions about everything.
What are you doing daddy? Why is that inside me daddy? Why does it taste funny daddy?
It's hard feeding your kids vegetables.
Ill never understand women.
My wife has been nagging at me for months to do something constructive.
Now Ive finally taken her advice she complains that Im building a wall between us.
I was talking to a really attractive girl at a corporate event earlier today and I completely messed up my chat-up line.
"So you're in corporate hospitality?" I said flirtatiously. "I'd quite like to hospitalise you myself."
After my friend was run over by a steamroller I was asked to identify the body.
Police said ''How do you know him?''
I said ''He's my flat mate.''
My jokes are mostly enjoyed by paedophiles.
Not because they're funny, because they don't go past 14.
Should've gone to Pec Shavers
Went to the pub quiz last night at my local, got thrown out for shouting out the answer to number 17. ...."Which castle was damaged by smoke in the 1990's?"
Apparently "Roy" wasn't an appropriate answer.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm glad we don't live in that city in Australia, Queensland".
"Queensland's a state", I said.
"I know", she said. "There's debris, floating bodies and washed up cars everywhere".
My mate's just flown over to Africa to judge the wild animals over there.....
He's so Hippo-critical.
A young boy goes to bed with a stiff problem. He wakes up the next morning with a solution on his hands.
Being frank for a minute, I don't think you should ever take drugs.
My wife says I'm a real cracker in the bedroom.
A quick tug, a little bang and joke that no one laughs at.
My neighbours son is a really bad tempered bicycle thief.
He's always going off on one.
A chemistry professor walks into a bar and orders concentrated sodium hydroxide.
The barman replies, "Why the strong base?"
I've just invented a way to turn the smell of a homeless person into an effective and cheap green fuel.
I call it Trampoline.
What do you call an Indian in a cupboard?
A hiding Sikh.
I hate left-handed scissors.
Something about them just isn't right.
My Manager called me into his office and asked if I was going to the dance.
I asked ' what dance? '
He said ' The Redun-dance '
My boss is not very sympathetic when it comes to laying off staff.
My mate couldn't wait to get his widescreen TV.
I said, "Are you going to mount it?"
He said, "I'm not that excited."
I broke into someone's house the other day by picking their lock.
The owner saw me and shouted
"Who are you? and how did you get in here?"
I replied... "I am a locksmith... and I am a locksmith."
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
My favourite hipster band is Dog Whistle.
You won't have heard them.
I see Terry Jones has become a dad at the age of 67.
Good to see the old Python is still active.
I knocked on the door of the Dragons Den TV studio earlier.
They were out.
How do you make a hormone?
I'll give you a hint. It's in your genes.