Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend wanted me to fist her. I told her no but she wasn't having any of it.
So I had to arm up.

Wordplay Joke

I've never understood the phrase "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush".
I'd much rather have two hands in the bush.

Wordplay Joke

Fire exits aren't very popular anymore. They're on the way out.

Wordplay Joke

As a composer of note, I'm bound to go down in history as a very lazy composer.

Wordplay Joke

The sauna room does wonders for myself esteem.

Wordplay Joke

Since losing my index fingers in an industrial accident, my life has had no point.

Wordplay Joke

Sky News: Police question soap star.
So do I. The sky looks dirt black at night.

Wordplay Joke

I made a beautiful woman quiver last night.
Today, however, I was kicked out of the archery club and arrested.

Wordplay Joke

My Grandmother served during the second world war.
She was a waitress.

Wordplay Joke

I was playing footie in the park today and ended up getting a couple of bookings.
The ref said I'll be looking at some form of suspension.
"No problem," I replied, "It could be the shock absorbers. I've got to fit a new clutch for the goalie on Monday. Would Tuesday be OK?"

Wordplay Joke

OWW!! How could I jab several items of cutlery into my leg by accident?! Four forks ache...

Wordplay Joke

I've got a friend that just never shuts up.
His shop is open 24/7.

Wordplay Joke

The trick to Spelling is knowing the difference between write and wrong.

Wordplay Joke

My wife told me she'd had a crush on someone.
Hard not to when you're as fat as she is.

Wordplay Joke

Walked into a bar with a keyboard under my arm and the barman said "We don't like your typing here"

Wordplay Joke

All the helium I bought for my party has gone missing.
I think someone took off with it.

Wordplay Joke

My new site dedicated to hitchikers is doing quite well.
Everyone's given it a thumbs up so far.

Wordplay Joke

My international sword smuggling operation nearly ended after a cop pulled me over and discovered my haul. "You're making a bit of money are you" he said, suggesting a bribe.
So I gave him a cut.

Wordplay Joke

Just read that Mr. Sheen may be going into 5's new celebrity big brother. Well at least he'll keep the house clean

Wordplay Joke

My little six year old can read minds.
Unfortunately she's pretty useless at any other words.

Wordplay Joke

I got a luxury prize for using the correct punctuation mark to denote ownership.
It was a posh trophy.

Wordplay Joke

I saw an unmanned aircraft film itself going around the world and back again.
It was a Palin-drone.

Wordplay Joke

I once met this kinky Welshman, who would only ever sleep with the black sheep of the family.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News reports- European Central Bank to buy Italian and Spanish bonds.
Fine by me, Just as long as It's clear that our James is not for sale.

Wordplay Joke

Saw a video of people doing over a News Agent in London.
They were only following instructions, there was a big poster outside that said Loot.