I started talking to a bunch of people standing in a circle.
I'm never going to hear the end of it.

I think my dog might be blind. He keeps barking up the wrong tree.

You always come to that point in maths where u think, this can't be right im doing parallel lines.

I was literally terrified last night.
I was mugged by someone with a book.

An Englishman, A Scotsman and an Irishman.
My ex's are a joke.

My wife just left me because of my obsession with lobbing stuff. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

I had to finish with my baker girlfriend.
She was too kneady.

what did the letter R say to the letter P?
excuse me is there a Q infront of you?

I fancy my wife rotten.
She's been dead 6 months.

What do you call an alligator that likes to tell people what to do?
A delagator.

Amateur skateboarders.
Curb your enthusiasm.

It takes a lot to become a successful thief.

I've just bought a model aeroplane made from the plastic of Michael Jackson's face.
It'll Neverland.

I've just discovered that my sperm is electrically charged.
It came as a bit of a shock.

I received some shocking news after peeing on an electric fence.

When I was a child, my parents gave me up for adoption. I remember it well. My dad said "I give up. We'll never get him adopted."

My paperboy soon regretted signing up to one of those "Get ripped in weeks!" courses.

So David Cameron recalls Parliament? Big deal, he's only been off a week - how much can he really have forgotten..?!

I recently started dating a convicted criminal...
She's my guilty pleasure.

BBC sport: Tiger Woods misses cut.
That could be revenge, hope he's got a good alibi?

I just bought a tow truck for my new breakdown company...
Business should really start to pick up

Flag-bearing ants.
They don't have very high standards.

You should strike while the iron is hot, which is why many smelting plants never get much work done.

I discovered my brother's cannabis stash hidden in an old vase.
Pot luck on two counts really.

I got a job in a crisp factory and made a packet