Ran into this skinhead, the other day. He had a swastika tattooed on his forehead and called it his 'Deutsche Mark'.
Me and my mates beat him black and blue.
Showed him a bit of a 'British Pound'.
I will never forget my childhood summers, when we
would climb into old tires and roll down the hills.
They were goodyears.
As a ginger, using an ATM is my favourite part of the day.
It accepts me.
I bought some cooking apples today.
Total waste of money.
They just sat on the kitchen side doing nothing, while I did all the cooking.
Kids today don't know how easy they've got it with all this running hot and cold water, I can still remember my childhood well.
Just watched a feature length program about a Duck with two mouths.
It was a double bill.
My top three favourite films of all time are:
1. Groundhog Day
2. Pulp Fiction
3. Groundhog Day
My girlfriend is getting too big for her boots.
I'd forgotten how fast they grow at that age.
Two paedophiles lying on a beach. One says to his mate, "Excuse me, you're in my sun".
I'm a bit like Marmite really...
...the unwanted by-product of alcohol.
The best thing about driving in the desert is that it will always be dry.
It's unlikely terrain.
My mate told me he had bought a monkey that wears a fez and plays the cymbals.
It was a wind-up.
Everyone refers to it as the Post Office but I want to know what it is now.
What do you call a ginger with a dead gorgeous body?
I am now banned from my local shopping centre.
Apparently a relief car park is not exactly what it says it is.
Just bought a new Wigwam , the wife says it looks just like one of our older Wigwams.
I agree , its very similar to a certain ex Tent
Sky news: 'Miss USA Rocked By Strip Show Photos'
In other news: 'Miss Afghanistan Stoned After Strip Show Photos'
My wife's got a cracking pair of jugs ...
So we're taking them back to John Lewis' to get a refund.
Whenever my brother joined the army, they made a man out of him.
They even paid for the operation.
When taking children to the cinema always take a kettle, teapot and some teabags.
Some PG Tips there for you.
Just spent two grand on an ice cream van.
It melted in 15 minutes.
Went into B&Q and asked a member of staff, "Where can I find some hammers, nails, a bag of cement, and a trowel?"
"They are all under 'Construction'," she answered.
"Oh, well where will they be when they are finished?" I replied.
I've just got a job in a nursery, and YES, I will abuse my position.
I'll steal as many plants as I can.
I'm fed up with my boss for forcing me to stand on one leg every single day.
Tomorrow I'm putting my foot down.
As a claustrophobic epileptic, I've always found it hard to fit in.