Wordplay Joke

I remember when I was diagnosed colourblind, it was completely unexpected, out of the purple.

Wordplay Joke

I lend people money if they agree to be my friend. I'm a bit of a loaner.

Wordplay Joke

Paddy said to Mick, "This 568 mls of Guinness is far better than your 284 mls."
Mick said, "You've got a point der, Paddy."

Wordplay Joke

Lost my job at McDonalds yesterday.
Management seems to have a different definition of seeded bun.

Wordplay Joke

I'm really worried because I've been unable to get hold of my wife for hours.
Soon it'll be daylight and someone is bound to see me struggling with the body.

Wordplay Joke

I helped a small child out just so I could get a better look at his mum.
Thankfully she never realised I wasn't the midwife.

Wordplay Joke

My attempts at cross breeding fruits with vegetables have only made me melon-cauli.

Wordplay Joke

I'm going on a field trip tomorrow...
Me and a few mates are going to a country park to do some magic mushrooms.

Wordplay Joke

What do you call someone whose used to be called Lee?
Formerly.

Wordplay Joke

Jumpers.
They just go over the top.

Wordplay Joke

I was shocked today when I was unable to complete my daily crossword puzzle.
I was lost for words.

Wordplay Joke

I've been trying to find my wife's killer for years now.
But I just can't find anyone who's willing to do it.

Wordplay Joke

I mixed up my anti-perspirant with my anti-depressant last night, and now my arms won't go back down.

Wordplay Joke

I heard a thud in my garden the other day.
He was hunting wabbits.

Wordplay Joke

There was a fire at my Grandad's allotment last night and virtually everything was burnt.
As we walked around today, we saw the chard remains.

Wordplay Joke

My wife is leaving me because I jump to conclusions.
At least I think she is.

Wordplay Joke

I saw a hunter being chased across a field last night by a blonde deer, fair game.

Wordplay Joke

An old man came up to me & said '...L , M, N, Grrr, P, Q...'
I thought 'what a weird-o'

Wordplay Joke

I robbed a greengrocers earlier.
But my efforts were fruitless.

Wordplay Joke

Your Panties Are Red,
You Bra is Blue,
I know this,
Because I'm Stalking you!

Wordplay Joke

A hysterectomy really takes it out of you.

Wordplay Joke

Whats the best way to get the attention of Gold?
" A u "

Wordplay Joke

Talking to my wife earlier about my day..
Me: Ran into my old Irish friend earlier...
Wife: Oh really?
Me: No... O'Riely.

Wordplay Joke

I heard a rustling noise outside my window.
When I opened the curtains my garden was full of cattle.

Wordplay Joke

I saw a horse with a large pointed bone sticking out of its head.
Maybe it's a unique horn.