Does a tyre fitter retire every day?

I read an excellent mystery novel last night.
The last few pages were missing.

I've finally perfected the backstroke.
Dogs can't resist me now.

I came to the pub from work yesterday, my work mates were well jealous; they could only just squirt over their desks.

I got into a heated argument with my girlfriend earlier.
Even when we got out of the sauna, she was still shouting.

The Jews had a hard time of it in the early forties.
It was all work, no pay.

Your mum is so dirty Cilit wouldn't bang her.

New research indicates that al the temple ruins in South America aren't actually ruins, they were built that way by the Spaztecs.

I tried smoking cigarettes as a teen.
Unfortunately, with my bald head and huge beard, I wasn't very convincing.

My ex has been messing around with my head.
I knew keeping her as my hairdresser was a bad idea.

Just watched some Midget Wrestling.
It was a short fight

I'm really hungry,
My mum and dad were never good at picking names...

I do not often contradict myself, but when I do I am usually right.

My mum told me that sometimes people attempt suicide as a cry for help.
So when I got stuck on my maths homework I threw myself in front of a train.

Many wonder why the chicken crossed the road.
Apparently it was in fact a pelican crossing.

Where did I go on holiday?
What am I doing on holiday?
What's the weather like?
Answers on a postcard...

When is the best time to meet up with Elastoman?
Anytime, because he's flexible.

I hate that Asda shopping bags are now transparent.
There's already enough of my poor choices out on public display.

I enrolled in tap dancing school because I've always wanted to follow in my father's footsteps.
He wasn't a tap dancer, just epileptic.

I'm watching Crimewatch or as it's otherwise known..
Facebook for Black people.

took my sister to see The devil Inside the other day.
I keep telling her its called an ultrasound, but she wont listen.

I swung the door open and strode in. Waving my six shooter around, I exclaimed loudly "I'm looking for the man who shot my Pa"
"Sorry love" said a girl with some scissors, "This is a Salon"

My teacher once told me that every word has to have a vowel in it
and I often wonder......why?

Everytime I see a packet of Fox's Glacier Mints I have to have them.
I think I must have Buy-Polar disorder.

My mate asked me why I'm spending so much time in the small, dark and damp shed at the bottom of my garden.
I told him I was growing funghi in it,
'mushroom?' he asked,
I replied, 'nah, it's a bit cramped but I manage.'