I've devoted my life to breaking records.
Which is why I'd never make it as a DJ.

I followed the sine to trigonometry island, cos I wanted a tan.

I've just opened London's first Jewish pub called 'Bar mitzvah',
Trouble is it's opposite that posh gallery called the Gasworks.

My mate has a dual personality. He is always running around, hitting people with a sword

When I married my wife her father said that to spend the rest of my life with her would take a lot of courage.
I didn't know he meant beer.

What's round, royal and juicy?
The King's Peach.

As part of a Guns and Roses tribute act, I'm a singer Slash actor.

Just heard that a lad down my street had a failed suicide bid the other night, it's always bad noose with him.

I've been studying hieroglyphics for a long time.
I've come to the conclusion that it's rather difficult to spell.

For sale: 'Killing visitors to your home' Guide book 2
Buyer MUST collect.

Faulty hand dryers in toilets are out of order.

I was just in the pub when I noticed a Tune on the juke box.
Which was handy as I had a tickly throat.

I finally got Angry Birds on my phone.
I filmed my two sisters arguing over a Barbie doll.

Sky news
US City Struck By 30-Mile Wide Dust Storm
Reporters say the local weight watchers were seen line dancing !

Everytime my childs in the car with me I always feel like I'm driving faster some reason.
I suspect it could be the booster seat.

I got into the World Championship fencing team; we can put up four in ten minutes.

I told a joke to my mates about the floater I did earlier.
It didn't go down well.

I can't stand my wife at the minute
I'm leaning her against the wall instead

My son has been practising to get a job at the circus, he is going to make a good lion tamer.
Personally, I think it would be more impressive with a bad lion

My career as a plumber went down the drain.

i'd give my first born to not get my wife pregnant

I just told my wife that I was planning to attach a giant helium balloon to my new yacht.
"Whatever floats your boat..." she replied.

I decided to splash the cash earlier
The coins didn't get damaged but the notes were ruined

BBC News: "Egypt president dismisses cabinet"
Some people just have no ikea for style.

I really regret buying that second hand hairdryer from the charity shop now.
It sucks.