Wordplay Joke

I'm sick of the half-hearted effort my son puts into everything he does.
And his excuse of being born without a left ventricle or left atrium.

Wordplay Joke

My Grandad was talking about getting a hip replacement for my Grandma.
"Someone younger and trendier," he said, "Like Megan Fox or Mila Kunis."

Wordplay Joke

I told a policeman he had a screw loose.
It was off the cuff.

Wordplay Joke

After his defeat to Nadal in the Quarter Finals, Mardy Fish's coach has released a statement "Fish was gutted not to be in the semi's"

Wordplay Joke

This secret desire I have to be a cannibal is really eating away at me inside.

Wordplay Joke

What a great start to the day! I picked up a Penny in the park this morning.
At least that's what I am calling her until I find a buyer.

Wordplay Joke

OAP'S in an NHS ward in Cardiff were given tambourines and maracas to use as panic alarms .
It's believed hospital bosses could now face serious re-percussion

Wordplay Joke

So I was following this little boy Jack on the streets this afternoon, and I saw him buy a small pack of beans.
Yes, I've beanstalking him.

Wordplay Joke

I just installed one of those 'Clappers' to my living room lights, was showing them off to a couple of my musician friends last night, they loved taking it in turns...
John clapped off and Eric Clapton

Wordplay Joke

I spent this afternoon shooting asians and blacks from a roof top.
What can I say?,I aim too please.

Wordplay Joke

At the moment, I'm working at the clock disposal...
But to be honest, it's a waste of time.

Wordplay Joke

The manager of our local Nando's restaurant died.
He will be missed Peri-Peri much.

Wordplay Joke

My wife made dessert but forgot to put any Gooseberries in.
Fool.

Wordplay Joke

A cattle grid walks into a pub.
Barman says, "Get out. You're barred".

Wordplay Joke

I saw a previous girlfriend of mine yesterday. It was ex-sighting.

Wordplay Joke

Sky news -
'Mother 'Told Police She Had Killed Children'
Not really mother any more then is she...

Wordplay Joke

There was this aggressive guy at the gym earlier
He was throwing his weight around.

Wordplay Joke

I was in the car with Slash, Tommy Stinson, Dizzy Reed and Chris Pitman when all of a sudden the car crashed.
The police said the accident was to do with the front, right tyre. We were missing an Axel.

Wordplay Joke

I just raised my arm,
But the rest of the poker players wanted money.

Wordplay Joke

I went to a Thai restaurant the other night and ordered chick sticks.
So imagine my surprise when the waitress came back with food!

Wordplay Joke

I've had to resort to printing my newspaper on wood. Times are hard.

Wordplay Joke

I asked two girls in the park if they knew another word for the womb and they said, "Yeh, Uterus!"
"And that your honour is consent in my book."

Wordplay Joke

I used to work as a mathematical lumberjack.
My timing was out though - I used the wrong logarithm.

Wordplay Joke

What I don't know about gardening isn't worth growing.

Wordplay Joke

I dumped my girlfriend at a calculus convention. She said 'y, x-plane.'