Wordplay Joke

I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seatbelt.
Then it clicked.

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend had an awful accident today.
He was ginger and weighed 6 pounds 9 ounces.

Wordplay Joke

When I was a child my parents made me and my brother live in the bonnet of their car,
life was tough growing up in the hood.

Wordplay Joke

I knew I bought a dodgy DVD player when it started playing up.
Which was weird, considering I haven't even got it on DVD.

Wordplay Joke

Daily Mail: 'Man killed by clothes horse'
Should have gone to hanger management.

Wordplay Joke

My new girlfriend found the small forest I'd made to create a battle scene for my Warhammer figures.
I said, "Well this is Ork Wood".

Wordplay Joke

Laura Robson is bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase '15 love'.

Wordplay Joke

I've just watched my dyslexic son searching for 'Horn Pub' on google.
He's not even old enough to drink.

Wordplay Joke

BBC NEWS : Pub stabbing man dies in hospital
This should teach him not to go around stabbing pubs.

Wordplay Joke

I got a nasty shock today and nearly died.
My wife flashed before my eyes.

Wordplay Joke

To get this joke, you have to have a connection to the internet.

Wordplay Joke

The other day I saw a sign: "For Sale - Battery Powered Dynamos - 99p"
I'll be honest, I thought it was a wind up.

Wordplay Joke

My friend and I met a girl in a club last night.
We asked her if she was up for a spit roast.
She was very keen on the idea.
Right up until we tried to stuff an apple in her mouth.

Wordplay Joke

I just clocked this guy acting suspiciously outside my house.
It was an unusual choice of weapon.

Wordplay Joke

I've finally got my wife to do that thing a lot of men can only fantasise about.
Leave.

Wordplay Joke

I keep dropping things.
It's getting out of hand.

Wordplay Joke

I got the Next catalogue this morning, I wouldn't mind but I haven't had the first one yet

Wordplay Joke

In The News: "Cillit Bang buy's out Durex"
Because nothing says Wear a condom quite like Barry Scott...

Wordplay Joke

BBC NEWS: 'Paedophile Father Christmas charges dropped'
Apparently there's a Claus in his contract.

Wordplay Joke

You can hear a pin drop in my house sometimes.
I had a bowling alley installed in the kitchen.

Wordplay Joke

I had to take the wife to the garden centre today.
It's exactly 18 feet from the house and 8 feet from the neighbours fence and where we put up our washing line. Silly cow

Wordplay Joke

Last night I discovered the meaning of life.
It was under my bed alongside The Holy Grail and The Life of Brian.

Wordplay Joke

I saw some tap dancing last night.
That's the last time I take L.S.D.

Wordplay Joke

"I am, therefore I think."
Or am I putting Descartes before the horse?

Wordplay Joke

Cant remember the name of the thing you use to shake flour through
Ive got a memory like a sieve