Wordplay Joke

Bill Gate's house is really nice but he needs to update his windows

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend keeps ruining all our newpapers and magazines to get coupons and money off vouchers.
I keep telling her to cut it out.

Wordplay Joke

What is a siamese twin's favourite career path?
Joinery.

Wordplay Joke

I would have told my wife that she had just eaten rat poison,
but she would have kept trying to bring it up.

Wordplay Joke

I've almost finished my physics home work.
I just need to figure out what force times distance equals and that will be the work done.

Wordplay Joke

Local News: Red tape holds up bridges.
There was me thinking Duct tape was the strongest.

Wordplay Joke

I was a bit nervous at first... It was long and went straight up! I eased myself onto it and I loved it! Before I knew it, I was going up and down on it!
Boy, do I love escalators!

Wordplay Joke

I was recently reading a book on how to control your over confidence issues.
Soon realised I was above it.

Wordplay Joke

My mate had a fully-automatic rifle in his hand, and started shooting a group of paki's walking by.
I had a semi.

Wordplay Joke

I just saw a guy with 2 prosthetic arms and 2 prosthetic legs having an epileptic fit. I found it really upsetting,
I hate seeing people fall to pieces like that.

Wordplay Joke

Apparently going on holiday you have to put your belongings into some sort of box with a lock on.
I had no idea that was the case.

Wordplay Joke

My neighbours Mr and Mrs Przemyslawski are getting a divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences.
They're just poles apart.

Wordplay Joke

I like to steal women's underwear from their washing lines in the middle of the day.
I'm a bit of a frill seeker.

Wordplay Joke

I've been playing poker on Facebook.
So far I've poked 113 women, but not a one of them have poked me back.

Wordplay Joke

I spent last night in a cell.
I dreamt I was a spreadsheet.

Wordplay Joke

I took a DNA test.
Now they don't have the proof that i'm the father.

Wordplay Joke

My grandad was the best milk farmer back in the day.
He was legendairy.

Wordplay Joke

I feel awful today. Last night I drowned my Sorrows after the England match. Problem is, Sorrows is my cat.

Wordplay Joke

My wife phoned me today to tell me that the fire alarm had gone off.
I didn't even realise it had a sell by date.

Wordplay Joke

My mate has lost both arms in a car crash.
I can't even imagine how he's feeling.

Wordplay Joke

What do you get if you multiply the force applied to a wizard by its perpendicular distance?
Magic moments.

Wordplay Joke

You know your getting older when...At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

Wordplay Joke

I miss my wife's cooking... every chance I get.

Wordplay Joke

Oi! Anthony Worrall! Thats nacho cheese, put it back!

Wordplay Joke

The Iron Lady is a rubbish film. Tony Stark isn't even in it.