Wordplay Joke

I just bought a dog and named him 'Achilles'. He's not big or strong or anything, it's just so that when I need him to come to me, I can yell, "Achilles! Heel!"

Wordplay Joke

My wife just ran into the house.
I can't believe she didn't see it.

Wordplay Joke

My friend is a qualified greengrocer
He has lettuce after his name.

Wordplay Joke

I've had an argument with my vest.
It's giving me the cold shoulder.

Wordplay Joke

I've had an argument with my vest.
It's giving me the cold shoulder.

Wordplay Joke

In today's newspaper i read a food critic's review of an Italian restaurant in Glasgow.
Don't think that he thought much of it though.
The headline read "It's the place to go pasta".

Wordplay Joke

If new 'right guard deodorant' gives you 24 hour protection how comes I got beaten up 4 hours after putting it on?

Wordplay Joke

I went to the international look-a-like of the year contest,
It was a tie between,
The Black's and the Chinese

Wordplay Joke

I spent some time in an NHS Hospital recently, and amongst all the chaos there was one particular member of the nursing staff who was very mehodical and insisted on doing everything by the book.
I quite admired Sister Matic.

Wordplay Joke

Did you sleep good?
No, I made a couple of mistakes.

Wordplay Joke

Those white people who have problems with Asians, they never know what Asians call them...
Acromasians.

Wordplay Joke

After doing core strength exercises, I'm claiming ownership of my local gym.
Squatter's rights.

Wordplay Joke

Here's some footage of my ex wife.
5 foot tall.
4 foot wide.
6 foot under.

Wordplay Joke

"Just to play Devil's Advocate for a minute, but have you considered becoming a Satanist?"

Wordplay Joke

I just heard my mate Oedipus swearing at some children.
"And you kiss your mother with that mouth?", I shouted.

Wordplay Joke

I keep getting an electric shock from my light switch.
I can't work out why, I just can't put my finger on it.

Wordplay Joke

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.
The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked."

Wordplay Joke

I always tell people I have a child-like disposition.
It sounds better than saying I'm a paedophile.

Wordplay Joke

I was so disappointed with the kitchen themed gifts my wife gave me last year. She brought me a set of cutlery, biscuit cutters and to put the icing on the cake...
A piping bag.

Wordplay Joke

I was video shooting earlier.
Emptied a whole round on my wife's Twilight box set.

Wordplay Joke

The local farmer almost gave me a job looking after his wheat fields.
I could've been a corn tender.

Wordplay Joke

People say im like a toolbox.
Everytime I get hammered I get screwed

Wordplay Joke

Kerplunk! i hate it when the ceiling falls down while i'm playing scrabble

Wordplay Joke

I launched my charity bedding appeal for Africa today.
Duvet Know it's Christmas?

Wordplay Joke

I love working alongside my wife. After constant nagging to our boss about how we needed to celebrate our anniversary on duty at the calendar factory, he finally caved in.
We have a date tomorrow.