Wordplay Joke

On the up side, there is a ceiling.

Wordplay Joke

I like being ambiguous.
Or maybe I don't..

Wordplay Joke

My door-bell went this morning.
That's the third time this week it's been nicked.

Wordplay Joke

Rolf Harris and Tony Hart had a sketch-off.
It was a draw.

Wordplay Joke

What do you call a man with an area of 10,000 square metres?
Hector.

Wordplay Joke

Since my wife died the house has looked a mess and it has begun to smell.
I should probably tell someone about the body.

Wordplay Joke

They say you should never go to sleep on an empty stomach.
After last night, I agree. A bed is a lot comfier.

Wordplay Joke

BNP, UKIP, English Democrats... I know my rights!

Wordplay Joke

I've just fixed the town hall clock onto my roof.
Think I may have screwed up big time.

Wordplay Joke

I just came home and found my mum slumped on the couch with needles in her arms.
She always falls asleep when she knits.

Wordplay Joke

I just can't stand having a cast on my leg.

Wordplay Joke

Just ate a Chinese, totally worth the prison sentence.

Wordplay Joke

As a necrophiliac who loves swingers, I'm hoping they bring back death by hanging.

Wordplay Joke

If you quit rehab, does that mean it worked?

Wordplay Joke

I was in court yesterday and asked my lawyer what he thought of my case.
"Well,Ive had a good look at it,and Its a bit flimsy if Im honest" he replied.
"I thought so" I started,"but it was only a fiver from a car boot"

Wordplay Joke

"BBC News 2247pm: In Manchester, a recently opened fashion boutique in King Street owned by former Oasis singer Liam Gallagher has been hit by looters."
Clearly should have invested in a wonderwall.

Wordplay Joke

My son has become a right rebel just lately...
I wish we never moved to Libya.

Wordplay Joke

I used to battle with drink & drugs, now we get along fine

Wordplay Joke

I bought a specially made book on bondage techniques.
It's bound to work.

Wordplay Joke

My wife is like a stuck record.
A quick whack and she soon changes her tune.

Wordplay Joke

My mate who was a farmer had a hair brained scheme to breed genetically modified sheep that were twice the size of normal ones.To do so he had to remortgage his house to finance it but things didn't go to plan,and although the sheep were larger they weren't as big as he'd hoped and he couldn't afford the repayments on his loan.Suffice to say the bank reposessed his house and land, leaving him with just his sheep,nowhere to live and penniless.
The last time I saw him he was standing on a street corner selling biggish ewes.

Wordplay Joke

One person who hasn't been affected by the London congestion charge is Prince Harry.
He still manages to come into Chelsea at least twice a day.

Wordplay Joke

A Greek island may be a great place for a holiday but I wouldn't bank on it.

Wordplay Joke

I caught my Son in Possesion of Heroin.
I gave him a slap on the Wrists.
Which helped him find a Vein.

Wordplay Joke

I was sentenced to life imprisonment for owning my blackhead remover.
Or, as the police put it, a bloodied Bowie Knife.