Wordplay Joke

What do my first girlfriend's virginity and a pulp have in common?
My dad beat me to both when I was a kid.

Wordplay Joke

The electric gate that killed the 12 year old girl has been released by police without charge.
So now it's just a gate.

Wordplay Joke

I like my woodwork teacher, he gives me wood.

Wordplay Joke

I ordered an Indian takeaway last night and it came to a tenner.
As he handed me the bag, I said, "What's the name of Jordan's son?"
He said, "Harvey Price."
I said, "Thanks, here's a fiver."

Wordplay Joke

My friend sent me a blank email. His message was clear.

Wordplay Joke

Apparently Matt Damon believes in two things: Sequels, and reincarnation.
Basically, he thinks he'll be Bourne again.

Wordplay Joke

I can't seem to get on the Lilt website. It keeps saying it's refreshing!

Wordplay Joke

I went to the doctor's today.
He said, "You're dying."
I said, "How do you know?"
He said, "Your eyebrows are a different colour."

Wordplay Joke

Had a microwave meal today. It said 'remove sleeve and film lid.'
I put a vest top on and got my camcorder out, but I'm still hungry.

Wordplay Joke

I had to dump my blow up doll earlier
I let her down gently

Wordplay Joke

Sky News - "Man Arrested On Suicide Bomb Charges"
I know nothing about this case, but i'm fairly confident it wasn't him.

Wordplay Joke

I fell out of a 600 story building and lived.
It was a library.

Wordplay Joke

I've been trying to teach my mate how to play golf recently but the problem seems to be his drive.
His wife stands on it and doesn't let us out.

Wordplay Joke

I recently lost my son. Toys R Us sure is a big place.
Not that I lost him there, he died last week of AIDS. I just thought the size of the store should be acknowledged.

Wordplay Joke

I love brunettes but I was gutted to come home from work to find my girlfriend had dyed her hair light-blonde.
It's just not fair.

Wordplay Joke

Fibonacci numbers.
It's as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3.

Wordplay Joke

I hit a cyclist the other day.
I wasn't in my car; I just thought it'd be funny.

Wordplay Joke

My mum always said, "Never use two words when one will do."
Why didn't she just say, "Avoid verbosity"?

Wordplay Joke

I really think Bacary Sagna should name his son Les

Wordplay Joke

What do you call an argument between an Argentinian and an Indian?
A bit of Argy Bhaji.

Wordplay Joke

My two cats went missing for over a fortnight and when they returned I decided to get micro chips for them both.
The poor little things looked starving.

Wordplay Joke

The woman next door was flashing me from her upstairs bedroom .
How she got her car in there I'll never know.

Wordplay Joke

Protesters at the G20 were holding up huge signs saying 'Capitalism Isn't Working'.
A friend of mine turned to me and said, "Surely that's wrong. Surely 'Capitalism Is Working'."

Wordplay Joke

Two wrongs don't make a right.
But three rights make a left.

Wordplay Joke

My son is cold and calculating
I've turned the heating off whilst he does his maths homework.