Wordplay Joke

I was looking forward to seeing Thin Lizzy play this summer.
But alas, no Moore.

Wordplay Joke

There is not a single pub in my town that allows trainers in after 8pm.
No wonder all the staff at my local gym look so miserable.

Wordplay Joke

I have an S&M kit.
It's brand spanking new.

Wordplay Joke

I'm on a new program to kick my addiction to glue sniffing, i'm gonna stick with it.

Wordplay Joke

My dad's cement business is on the skids. I told him he should sell it before he goes bankrupt.
He won't though. He's too set in his ways.

Wordplay Joke

I found an uneven paving slab this morning.
I just stumbled across it.

Wordplay Joke

I'm really not getting through to my girlfriend and I think it's a matter of time until we split.
What part of, "Explicate the exponential growth of the neo-platonic paradigm from the perspective of a Nietzschean ubermensch" doesn't she understand?

Wordplay Joke

"I've got a bone to pick with you"said the generous tramp.

Wordplay Joke

Whats big and smells?
A jews nose.

Wordplay Joke

I think it's weird how men are attracted to the same things that feed babies.
But as long as I wash the bottle before handing it back to my kid it will be ok.

Wordplay Joke

If Post Modernism was the effort to move as far away from modernism as possible.
And the definition of Office is a place of business where professional duties are performed...
I think I now understand what Post Office is.

Wordplay Joke

I went into a poster factory with a gun and shouted, "Stick 'em up".

Wordplay Joke

I love being an Indian Cobra!
I live a charmed life.

Wordplay Joke

Plosive Consonants, Bug me Big Time

Wordplay Joke

I bought my wife a 24 carrot necklace.
She said, "Couldn't you have got a gold one instead?"

Wordplay Joke

So Russia have won the bid to host the 2018 World Cup.
Looks like they're Putin one over on us.

Wordplay Joke

I got a round of applause last night.
In hindsight I think my friends would have preferred it if I'd stuck to drinks.

Wordplay Joke

I popped my girlfriends cherry today.
Completely ruined her fruit salad.

Wordplay Joke

I was taking the dog for a walk in the forest when I came across a woman rubbing her hands up and down the trees.
I said "Are you feeling Oaky?"

Wordplay Joke

I got caught out at work today. The boss will go nuts if he finds out we played cricket.

Wordplay Joke

My mate just told me that he's going to a fancy dress party dressed as an Italian island..
I Said ''Don't be Sicily!''

Wordplay Joke

On a recent holiday my wife tried bungee jumping and she had the time of her life. Every single last second of it.

Wordplay Joke

I hate reverse Pshychology...
Or do i?

Wordplay Joke

My wife was just searching all over the house.
She asked me, "Have you seen my box?"
I replied, "Not since our wedding night no."

Wordplay Joke

Scaffolding.
I'm a supporter.