Wordplay Joke

I kicked a cheeky pirate in his leg today.
Really took him down a peg.

Wordplay Joke

My wife's a little cranky tonight.
It's Fan-Dabi-Dozi when she's dressed in her school uniform.

Wordplay Joke

I've just clipped a parrots wing.
I'm not bothered though, I got his autograph when exchanging insurance details.

Wordplay Joke

The doorbell went last night.
I've reported the theft to the police.

Wordplay Joke

Just finished my screenplay about the life of Ireland's most famous poet, I don't mean to be arrogant but it's got Oscar written all over it.

Wordplay Joke

I was going to go as a coconut to my girlfriends fancy dress party but i was a bit shy.

Wordplay Joke

My dentist asked me if I'm flossing twice a day. I said, "Yes," but I never floss.
You might say I was lying through my teeth.

Wordplay Joke

I hate my family having such high expectations of me.
Just the other day my dad asked me for 'a cuppa', and all of a sudden I'm meant to be some sort of pottery expert.

Wordplay Joke

My Granddad used to put a ball in one of three cups and then move them round. Then I had to guess which one it was in.
I said, "Doesn't that hurt?"

Wordplay Joke

you know what I can't stomach?
Gastroenteritis.

Wordplay Joke

My wife ran out of petrol this morning.
It wasn't too much of a problem though, I still managed to light the vapour trail.

Wordplay Joke

Nice to see JML have released a new product, a French woollen blanket with goes over your car, the Nicholas car cosy.

Wordplay Joke

I used to fool people by putting up signs indidcating a 'right turn' in the road. But now I'm on the straightened arrow.

Wordplay Joke

When relationships end, kids are often affected...
...Harvey Price always looks like he's just been dumped.

Wordplay Joke

I thought somebody took half my brain in a lobotomy
But turns out it was just a fragment of my imagination

Wordplay Joke

The secret to success is honesty & good bookkeeping....
if you can fake those you're sorted.

Wordplay Joke

Announcement: This Train Terminates Jumpers.

Wordplay Joke

Me and my wife went to the local Pet Shop to buy a pet bird of some sort.
It proved unsuccessful; after shooting down all of her suggestions the pet shop manager said I wouldn't a suitable owner.

Wordplay Joke

I've just seen a German midget climbing into a tin.
I think his name is Heinz.

Wordplay Joke

My dad said hes sick of spending time on the canvas.
He's not an artist, hes Audley Harrison

Wordplay Joke

I always tell my wife to wear at least 10 pairs of knickers when going out.
She's been well briefed.

Wordplay Joke

A burglar robbed my house last night, but all he stole was a clock that had almost run out of batteries.
He only took a few minutes.

Wordplay Joke

I recently developed a fondness for Siamese Vodka.
We're joined at the hip-flask.

Wordplay Joke

People call me a bad loser....but I think I'm quite good at it

Wordplay Joke

I can't stand independent women.
They just don't do it for me.