Wordplay Joke

Why did the line painter cross the road?
Because it was a hatched area.

Wordplay Joke

A girl gave me a fiver to see my snake, Anaconda, I kept her fiver.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News:Cannibal star gobbles neighbour.
He's probably bitten off more than he can chew?

Wordplay Joke

I'm managing a solo 80s tribute act. He's a conductor that plays tunes on his Dyson with the lights turned off;
Orchestral Man Hoovers In The Dark.

Wordplay Joke

I've just been warned about some Italian domestic graffiti artists.
Apparently, they'll tagliatelle.

Wordplay Joke

I've just spent 45 minutes in Dorothy Perkins.
Worst thing is she didn't even realise for the first half hour.

Wordplay Joke

My Palestinian mate had a bout of chronic indigestion.
I suggested Settlers.
I was only trying to be helpful.....

Wordplay Joke

My mate says working at Mr Minute must be soul-destroying.
I said "No, it's just the opposite."

Wordplay Joke

Ever since my house was possessed by ghosts, I haven't had the energy to do anything, and it's starting to affect my health.
I really need to exorcise.

Wordplay Joke

My Daughter suffers from Drug abuse.
Don't ask why my parents called me "Drug."

Wordplay Joke

I was just watching, A Place In The Sun today and the voiceover guy said "They will have to put their plans to build a new house in Madeira on ice."
Surely it would be built on mud.

Wordplay Joke

The village council have paid for a worn down road in our village which leads to a special needs school to be repaired. Its a retarred road.

Wordplay Joke

At school, my friend pushed the teacher into a cryogenic chamber.
He was suspended.

Wordplay Joke

"Iraq rejects calls for vote recount" BBC NEWS
I guess we just couldn't get through to them.

Wordplay Joke

I can get string to do almost anything i want,
I've got it wrapped around my little finger.

Wordplay Joke

I went to buy a walking stick earlier today but the only ones they had in stock were barely two feet long.
I asked the salesman about it and he said they were short staffed...

Wordplay Joke

What do you call a crocodile that cuts up cheese?
An alligrater.

Wordplay Joke

I bought one of those leak detectors from B&Q.
But all I keep finding is carrots and potatoes....

Wordplay Joke

Me and my girlfriend had a huge fight last night which ended up with her saying 'You're dead to me'.
So I ran at her at top speed and knocked her to the floor.
Well if I was dead to her, I would be a ghost and would have gone straight through.

Wordplay Joke

I was the teacher's pet when I was at school.
She couldn't afford a dog.

Wordplay Joke

The kids have emphatically said they don't want me to help them with their homework, because I'm always getting things slightly wrong ...
I said .'OK, fine. But remember what goes around, comes down'

Wordplay Joke

Don't forget to tune in next week for our Alzheimer's special.

Wordplay Joke

I've just seen a shooting star.
Ron Jeremy.

Wordplay Joke

When I went on holiday I took a case full of 70s bawdy comedy films, it was my Carry On luggage.

Wordplay Joke

Jack & Jill went up the hill to smoke a little leaf. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and Jill said, "Where's the beef?"