Wordplay Joke

I think later I will be suffering from either constipation or diarrhoea.
I have no medical basis for this. Just a gut feeling.

Wordplay Joke

Breaking News: "Probe As Woman's Body Found In Brook"
A little insensitive to start abusing her body already.

Wordplay Joke

I had a lovely bubble and squeak earlier ...
Perhaps in the bath with the wife wasn't the best of timing.

Wordplay Joke

I've got myself a job as a primary school caretaker.
I don't know about the care bit, but I'm definitely taking one of them.

Wordplay Joke

How can someone who doesn't know what the word what means, ask someone about what the word what means ?

Wordplay Joke

I've just been to the shop for a paper, I asked the bloke, 'Can I have a Sunderland Echo please?', and he shouted 'SUNDERLAND!... Sunderland... Sunderland.'

Wordplay Joke

The girlfriend and I were spooning the other day when she suggested trying something different.
Apparently knifing her wasn't what she meant.

Wordplay Joke

Imagine my horror.
You'll have to. I can't be bothered writing a scary story.

Wordplay Joke

Broke the lift at work today
Didn't go down well

Wordplay Joke

I like my girlfriends how I like Real Madrid against F.C. Barcelona.
Five, Down.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: England draw Aussies in World Cup
They were, however, disqualified for being unable to colour within the lines.

Wordplay Joke

My ex-girl said I was an 'immature creep'.
One day I'll prove to her I really am Spiderman.

Wordplay Joke

I ordered an Indian last night. I was told the delivery may take 5 days but that she comes with a free nan.

Wordplay Joke

I've just heard a heavy blanket of snow is going to cover the whole of Europe.
Sounds more like a continental quilt to me.

Wordplay Joke

I got taken to prison today and was given a cavity search
I tried telling the guy my teeth are in perfect condition but he wouldn't listen

Wordplay Joke

The Second Coming of Christ: Not as impressive as the first, but he still managed to get some in her hair.

Wordplay Joke

Just been peeling potatoes with my wife.
I'll be better using a knife next time.

Wordplay Joke

I was in a shop the other day looking for a new computer when my son said,
"Hey dad, we should get a white computer, they're all better than the black ones!"
I said, "Son, you can't go round saying that, we're in a PC World."

Wordplay Joke

Did you hear about the man who got a cushy job in a watch factory?
He just stood around all day making faces.

Wordplay Joke

After watching BBC's Stargazing, I realised I have to buy a telescope.
But the prices are astronomical.

Wordplay Joke

Customer service at my local McDonald's is far better since they had that straw Pole.
She puts out sugar and serviettes as well.

Wordplay Joke

My mate said to me that he thought his new underpants were a bit holey,
I said "yea I can see where your coming from"

Wordplay Joke

If not caring about accuracy is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Wordplay Joke

Just got a new job as a professional referee. So my mate bought me a whistle as a gift.
First day I blew it.

Wordplay Joke

One day my wife will get the better of me but until I lay off the stella she probably won't.