I slept like a rock last night.
Outside.

Where is a Rastafarians favourite holiday destination?
Yemen

Playing Scrabble in hospital is a good way to pick up MRSA.

I work as a prison warder and a lot of the inmates are trying to convince me that every night after lights out, a man with a wooden leg, a patch over one eye and a parrot on his shoulder breaks into their cells and steals cigarettes.
I'm not believing any of it, in fact I reckon its a cons piracy theory...

It goes without saying, that I like silence.

I've just bought the worst leaf blower I've ever had.
It sucks.

World AIDS Day.
Sounds Positive.

I was watching 'Deal Or No Deal' and I was thinking how amazing it was that one box can change so many peoples lives for the better.
Then I finished wrapping the nail bomb for my wifes Christmas present.

I fell out with my neighbour, who's hard of hearing.
I've been receiving deaf threats all week.

A group of paralysed musicians have formed a heavy metal band...
It's called Spinal Snap.

I say, 'Inoperative'.
You say, 'Not switched on'.
Let's just call the whole thing 'Off'.

I was going to order some pie in a restaurant but they told me it was irrational

I wanted to be the world's first architect to work on tracing paper.
But everyone saw through my plans.

I don't know why everybody is so concerned about the wind.
It will all blow over soon.

Just about to see "The Iron Lady"
These trousers won't de-crease themselves.

Newsflash: Ex Cambodian leader accused of hurling racist abuse at cows.
That's the Pot calling the cattle black.

Growing up, I heard a story about a bloke with 'bear hands' living nearby.
I think it was faux claw.

I bought a magnum for the wife earlier,
The guy even threw in a few bullets...

In prison, I began work as surgeon. I managed to join two inmates together while they were sleeping. When they woke up, they were confused.

My granny left me all her life savings when she died.
A small boy that had fallen into a pond and a dog that she'd pulled from a burning house.

Just been watching Blink-182
He's my mate who has a severe a twitch.

As my old grandad lay on his deathbed, he whispered in my ear his secret of how to be a successful pheasant poacher.
"Put them in boiling water".

When I get stressed, I beat my wife with stringed instruments
She's a victim of domestic violins

I can always get a girls pulse racing...
When they see me in the alley.

I've just finished my tour of Afghanistan...
It wasn't the best place to film my stand-up DVD.