I slept like a rock last night.
Where is a Rastafarians favourite holiday destination?
Playing Scrabble in hospital is a good way to pick up MRSA.
I work as a prison warder and a lot of the inmates are trying to convince me that every night after lights out, a man with a wooden leg, a patch over one eye and a parrot on his shoulder breaks into their cells and steals cigarettes.
I'm not believing any of it, in fact I reckon its a cons piracy theory...
It goes without saying, that I like silence.
I've just bought the worst leaf blower I've ever had.
World AIDS Day.
I was watching 'Deal Or No Deal' and I was thinking how amazing it was that one box can change so many peoples lives for the better.
Then I finished wrapping the nail bomb for my wifes Christmas present.
I fell out with my neighbour, who's hard of hearing.
I've been receiving deaf threats all week.
A group of paralysed musicians have formed a heavy metal band...
It's called Spinal Snap.
I say, 'Inoperative'.
You say, 'Not switched on'.
Let's just call the whole thing 'Off'.
I was going to order some pie in a restaurant but they told me it was irrational
I wanted to be the world's first architect to work on tracing paper.
But everyone saw through my plans.
I don't know why everybody is so concerned about the wind.
It will all blow over soon.
Just about to see "The Iron Lady"
These trousers won't de-crease themselves.
Newsflash: Ex Cambodian leader accused of hurling racist abuse at cows.
That's the Pot calling the cattle black.
Growing up, I heard a story about a bloke with 'bear hands' living nearby.
I think it was faux claw.
I bought a magnum for the wife earlier,
The guy even threw in a few bullets...
In prison, I began work as surgeon. I managed to join two inmates together while they were sleeping. When they woke up, they were confused.
My granny left me all her life savings when she died.
A small boy that had fallen into a pond and a dog that she'd pulled from a burning house.
Just been watching Blink-182
He's my mate who has a severe a twitch.
As my old grandad lay on his deathbed, he whispered in my ear his secret of how to be a successful pheasant poacher.
"Put them in boiling water".
When I get stressed, I beat my wife with stringed instruments
She's a victim of domestic violins
I can always get a girls pulse racing...
When they see me in the alley.
I've just finished my tour of Afghanistan...
It wasn't the best place to film my stand-up DVD.