Wordplay Joke

I steal mesh webbing to increase my net profit.

Wordplay Joke

I was planning on watching David Attenborough all night but...
Life's to short.

Wordplay Joke

The picture of my barren family farm was depressing
So I cropped it

Wordplay Joke

I'm sick of all these stupid headlines.
I should really buy some anti-wrinkle cream.

Wordplay Joke

My sister got a Scottish Action Man for Christmas,
Battery's included.

Wordplay Joke

Our light bulb went in the living room, I asked the missus what light bulbs we needed?
She said 40 Watts.
I think she's going deaf.

Wordplay Joke

With the new year just starting, it has got me thinking about change and how it can be a good thing...
especially when you don't want to break into that 20

Wordplay Joke

I hate watch thieves.
I've got no time for them whatsoever.

Wordplay Joke

I lost my job as an immigration officer.
I didn't tick all the right boxes.

Wordplay Joke

Truly I share my birthday (Dec 1st) with Richard Pryor, Woody Allen, Bette Midler and Yamasaki Minoru.
3 Comedians and the bloke who designed the Twin Towers.
Boom boom

Wordplay Joke

I was telling a friend that I've written a couple of articles for a military history magazine.
He said, "That must pay well, if you're a professional writer."
"Nah," I replied, "just a free lance."

Wordplay Joke

I've started my own medical practice but haven't been making any money yet.
My dad says I need to have patients.

Wordplay Joke

My family recently shunned my idea of a refrigerated blanket. I must say, I'm quite disappointed.
I thought it was a cool idea.

Wordplay Joke

Being with the wife all those years, I was happy to see her let herself go.
And it was far better to die in a fall than that fire.

Wordplay Joke

My mum said, "Promise me that you'll never use foul language ever again".
I swore.

Wordplay Joke

I hate it when TV producers keep making a programme long beyond its natural shelf life, just because they want to make some easy money.
It's shameless.

Wordplay Joke

Went to see a man about a dog today.
He thinks I've got good grounds for divorce.

Wordplay Joke

Impulses
They really get on my nerves

Wordplay Joke

If you're ill don't come down to the pub in an effort to feel better. People like you make me sick.

Wordplay Joke

I got sent packing after 5 minutes at my new job as a pet manicurist.
They seemed upset that I had brought my own claw hammer with me.

Wordplay Joke

I'm going to quit being lazy, next week.

Wordplay Joke

Doors are opening for me at work.
I hate being a hotel porter.

Wordplay Joke

I've got nothing against people training as dentists, but I wish they weren't so in your face about it.

Wordplay Joke

Last night I finally met a girl who saw past the fact that I'm a cripple.
I fell for her.

Wordplay Joke

Andy Gray loves a good linesman.
That's why he got his sack.