Wordplay Joke

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That's messed up.

Wordplay Joke

I was learning how to walk the other day.
I got step - by - step instructions.

Wordplay Joke

Want to add insult to injury.
Injuryinsult

Wordplay Joke

Does Hurricane Dave spin round in the same place over and over again?

Wordplay Joke

I'm going to treat my wife this weekend.
Some wood varnish should do the trick.

Wordplay Joke

There's been no post in my town for the last week. If there isn't any by tomorrow, we're going to have to use jumpers as goals.

Wordplay Joke

What's the easiest way to spot a black man?
With white paint.

Wordplay Joke

I got chucked off the set of Dragons Den yesterday.
It would appear a real life version of the popular computer game "Minesweeper" is more dangerous then first thought.

Wordplay Joke

I used to get depressed about being under the minimum height but I'm over it now

Wordplay Joke

Forrest Gump said that "life is like a box of chocolates"... but I think those chocolates are more like the kids at a school disco...
The vast majority have nuts, and the ones that don't are picked up and eaten out before anyone else gets a look in.

Wordplay Joke

I took some cheese round to my mates house today, but it didn't go down very well.
There's stiltons left.

Wordplay Joke

So I heard that French gunman jumped out of a window.
I guess he had nothing Toulouse.

Wordplay Joke

Have you had a child that you weren't expecting? Let us take care of it for you.
No Nanny McWin, no Nanny McPhee.

Wordplay Joke

I beat all the odds, and was banned from the freak show for life.

Wordplay Joke

When I heard my long term unemployed best mate had started seeing a woman who lives on benefits with 6 kids, I could only think one thing.
They will never work.

Wordplay Joke

I just made an apple and blackberry smoothie,
I don't think my parents are going to be happy that I blended their phones

Wordplay Joke

My dad always wanted to be run over by a steam train.
When it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits.

Wordplay Joke

I was supposed to pick up seven professional clowns today.
But I couldn't find a car small enough.

Wordplay Joke

I read a book about Kurt Cobain.
I say 'read', but I more or less just rifled through it.

Wordplay Joke

A fresh Al Qaeda bomb plot has been foiled by the metropolitan police.
Which is probably what kept it fresh in the first place.

Wordplay Joke

I said to the pet shop owner "I want a taller stand for my parrot but I haven't much money. Can I get one and pay it off?"
"We don't do higher perches", he replied.

Wordplay Joke

I wanted to tell my wife that I'd broke her clock, but...
It's never been the right time.

Wordplay Joke

I've just proposed to my imaginary girlfriend.
She's made up.

Wordplay Joke

My mate was doing the crossword and he asked "What's the name for a small part of a tree that protrudes from the trunk?"
I said "Twig?"
He said "No, it's knot."

Wordplay Joke

I had a TV Show about trees.
But it got axed.