Wordplay Joke

I've written a book about an Apartment block for Midgets.
It's a collection of short storeys.

Wordplay Joke

Infinity is simply nothing, with a twist.

Wordplay Joke

I was mentally undressing this girl at work today.
She was no match for my garden shears.

Wordplay Joke

The Black Death.
Should be avoided like the...well, just try not to get it.

Wordplay Joke

I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture.
Now I just live in a flat.

Wordplay Joke

I got drunk last night.
Serves me right for swimming in a cup of tea.

Wordplay Joke

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels
He's the Spokesman.

Wordplay Joke

I went to see my doctor with chronic depression and said,
"Feeling any happier these days doc?"

Wordplay Joke

I'm lucky, I can always count on my wife.
She wears a lot of beads.

Wordplay Joke

One of my relatives died at 03:00am this morning, and I'm not too bothered by it.
I guess that I'm just not a mourning person.

Wordplay Joke

A man's been found guilty of death by dangerous driving after running down 5 people whilst eating weetabix at the wheel of his car.
When quizzed on why he had done this he simply replied 'I just couldn't breakfast enough'

Wordplay Joke

Welsh cheerleaders.
Putting the ''go! go! go!'' into
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

Wordplay Joke

I keep asking Princess Leia out on a date and she keeps saying 'No'. I seem to be looking for love in Alderaan places.

Wordplay Joke

SKY NEWS: Explosion at veterinary clinic.
It's been raining cats and dogs ever since.

Wordplay Joke

My wife went for a job interview to work at an old people's home.
She got the job and when she came home she wasn't really bothered.
I don't think she cares.

Wordplay Joke

I asked for a battery powered clock in the shop today.
When I got it home, I noticed that the man gave me the wrong one.
It was a wind up.

Wordplay Joke

My Maths teacher wrote on my report "He's one in a million but maybe his only downfall is he's too clever for his own good"
I'm one in seven billion you idiot.

Wordplay Joke

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Wordplay Joke

My mate certainly knows how to make an entrance.
He just put up my new front door.

Wordplay Joke

My mate swallowed his phone and got it stuck in his throat,
I had to ring his neck.

Wordplay Joke

In the maternity wigwam, there were 3 squaws in labour.
The one on the left was lying on a horse skin, the one in the right was lying on a buffalo skin and the one in the middle was lying on a hippo skin.
The one on the hippo skin gave birth to twins, the other two gave birth to single babies.
This goes to prove that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the two adjacent hides.

Wordplay Joke

I was on this line that met a geometrical curve at a common point without actually intersecting its surface..........sorry, I went off on a tangent there.

Wordplay Joke

I flew into Sydney for the comedy festival and I was held up at the airport.
They asked me the purpose of my visit and I said, "I'm here to shoot a pilot."

Wordplay Joke

I'm trying to write a book.
I've already done a, b and o.
I reckon the last bit should be ok.

Wordplay Joke

''Christian Bale Reveals The Secret Behind His Long Hair''
Not getting a haircut?