I was talking to some police officers about some youths throwing milk bottles at me.
'Skimmed just over your head?
'I repied 'No, full fat just over my shoulder'

I went to a pub and asked for a strong gust of wind. They said they only served draught.

I'm starring in a new theatrical drama called 'Sword'.
It's a play on words.

Kevin Costner has a new job as a minder for Glasgow Rangers.
The Proddieguard

I've got too much on my plate to be worrying about gluttony.

Does anyone else think I have a clone, or is it just me?

"Why won't you just be happy for me?!" - Girl with a Dwarf fetish.

This bloke at the sewage plant was complaining that there was too much feces to process.
Then again, a bad workman always blames his stools.

I'm not a big fan of archery. Too many drawbacks.

Because of our lack of clean clothes, my wife decided to put on the washing machine.
Now she looks ridiculous!

What do you call a Frenchman throwing a grenade in his kitchen in 1812?
Linoleum Blownaparte.

As I watched a spider slowly walk down my arm, I thought, "He's going out on a limb there."

I don't like to brag but every time I go into a pub, I pull...
... And every time I leave, I push.

Looks like England have failed in their bid to secure the fee for World Cup.

I saw this midget today and said 'Hey - you're the guy who played that robot in Star Wars!'
he said 'I most certainly am not'
I said 'You are too!'

I was eating an apple when I thought 'PCs taste better.'

I tried walking onto an army base, but was stopped by a guard, who was only 5ft 4.
"Sorry, mate," he said, "you're not allowed on here."
I thought, "He's a little territorial."

I just saw a midget buying groceries with a bunch of change.
He was short.

I plan on raping the girl who's sat in front of me on the bus.
I hope she isn't alarmed.

I just bought a Hawaiian shirt.
It is covered in pictures of ham and pineapples

I went to the library today to return a book on abortions. The librarian told me to 'just dump it in that bin over there.'

"Sky News: Ex-Con: Short Sentences Don't Work".
I disagree.

I had to go to yesterday's fancy dress party as Batman.
I'd planned to go as Superman, but there was no S-cape.

I'm selling five hundred fake E's at half price if anyone's interested.
There's no rush.

Insanity does not run through my family.
Rather, it takes a stroll through, getting to know everyone personally.