Wordplay Joke

Positively-charged atoms are attracted to negatively-charged ones.
That's ionic.

Wordplay Joke

I imagine that if you were to cut open an archaeopteryx, it's stomach would be full of worms.
After all, it was the earliest bird.

Wordplay Joke

Haunted librarys. That should send a chill down your spine

Wordplay Joke

I ran over my dog with the lawnmower yesterday.
He's ok now though, after a little retail therapy.

Wordplay Joke

The Mirror: 'Sven hoping to to beat off Spurs, QPR and PSG to sign Becks'
How sore is his arm going to be after that?

Wordplay Joke

Christian lesbians are always willing to turn the other chick.

Wordplay Joke

I hate my addiction to silky materials, it's really ruining my social life.
Satin all last weekend.

Wordplay Joke

I used to have trouble remembering what page I was on,
but now I've turned a corner.

Wordplay Joke

My 8 year old son came home from school and told me that his Scouse teacher had taught them about reproduction.
"At last!" I said "now make me some pirate DVD's"

Wordplay Joke

What do you call an impatient waiter?
An Oxymoron

Wordplay Joke

Could all the lads who had their bent erections fixed please come forward.

Wordplay Joke

I mistook my teacher for a tube worker today.
In my defence, the resemblance was striking.

Wordplay Joke

Ahh good old December the 1st and finally the moustache has gone.
My Girlfriend was starting to look like Tom Selleck.

Wordplay Joke

I want to go to a party dressed in cling film, but I don't think I'll be able to pull it off.

Wordplay Joke

My gran just accused me of stealing her copies of The Mirror Crack'd and The Body in the Library. I think she's lost her marples.

Wordplay Joke

I've been asked to design the world's biggest maze.
I don't think I can get out of it.

Wordplay Joke

You should never hit a child... under 35mph or they may survive.

Wordplay Joke

I saw a grave stone earlier.
It was in the middle of a load of happy stones.

Wordplay Joke

I perform arguably the best stand up in the world...
Straight up.

Wordplay Joke

I didn't want to make a scene when I saw my wife in public with another man. So I threw a sharp stair in her direction.
Unfortunately it's now lodged in her brain. Theres no doubting the quality the B&Q stair range though.

Wordplay Joke

I got a picture of a dead horse if you wanna flog it

Wordplay Joke

I recently made a complaint to the council, because of my neighbours "constant drilling".
According to the letter I received, its a standard procedure at the Army barracks.

Wordplay Joke

My son talks to invisible animals.
I think they're his menagerie friends.

Wordplay Joke

I tried to take my wife line dancing with me, but we always ended up getting in a row.

Wordplay Joke

I went to a topless bar last night.
It doesn't make sense to me. Nowhere to put your drink down.