Where do midget's do their shopping?
Lidl

BBC News: IBM produces first 'Brain Chips'
Call me old fashioned, but I'm sticking with potato ones.

I feel the question of whether prisoners should be allowed mobile phones or not is all down to context.

I was really enjoying sitting next to a fit bird on her sofa about to watch a movie when her fat ugly mate turned up.
She said, "Hi, what are you watching? Mind if I join you?"
The fit bird replied, "No not at all, sit down, Inbetweeners."
She could have worded that better.

I did think it odd when the wife said she fancied a bit of rock and roll.
It broke 4 of her teeth when I made her a sandwich.

As my wife put electric wires onto my nipples i suddenly realised...
Love Hertz

My wife has a great booty. She's a pirate.

Any shadow puppeteers in? Can I get a show of hands, please?

My mate really hates it when I take a leak in his garden.
Sorry, Dafydd.

I tried to get my girlfriend's dog to suck me off
It didn't go down too well

I got the wife some thick bleach to clean the bathroom but it didn't seem to do the job.
They were out of clever ones.

I was having an affair with a woman called Amanda Lynn but I had to finish it...
There were strings attached

I tried to propose to my girlfriend over a Tannoy system this morning.
But she turned me down.

I'm trying to be a bit 'cooler', but don't want to make it too obvious.
So I'm just saying normal sentences, but subtly putting a 'street' word innit.

Walking through town this morning I kept getting accosted by people in uniform, waving collection boxes at me while dribbling spit down their chins.
God I hate the Salivation Army.

Walking through town this morning I kept getting accosted by people in uniform, waving collection boxes at me while dribbling spit down their chins.
God I hate the Salivation Army.

Considering how much I enjoyed adultery, the group I've just signed up for should be really fun.
Can't wait to try infantry.

BBC NEWS: Video footage is to be released showing the entering of the house by navy seals and capture of Osamas wife..
I can`t wait to see them smash her backdoor in..

Clarence and Billy were going for a jog in Alabama.
"Which route should we take today Clarence?"
"Im not sure, if possible I'd like to avoid a hill Billy."
"Then maybe you should move to a different state."

Soiling myself is a risk I'm willing to take whilst I'm gardening.

My local gym just offered me free membership.
Fat chance.

My wife says she is sick to death of me taking advantage of her.
Ive consequently told her to find someone else to play tennis with.

Whenever I get in trouble, I pull out my trump card.
Uncle Donald usually knows what to do.

So Armageddon comes tomorrow, personally I can't wait.
It was only 2.99 from play.com

I took my son flying at the weekend.
It's for those that can't afford fishing.