Wordplay Joke

I wrote a very threatening letter to the council, stamped it and sent it off.
But the police traced it back to my house because of the footprint on the envelope.

Wordplay Joke

Me and the wife met on holiday in Spain.
I simply refused to fly on the same plane as her.

Wordplay Joke

I dig up beautiful people and sell their heads as masks. People take them at face value.

Wordplay Joke

I've always had an attraction to a nice pot of Earl Grey.
I guess that makes me some kind of proper tea magnet.

Wordplay Joke

I was at the pub last night and decided to take a few shots.
The barman then threw me out because I apparently ruined that game of pool.

Wordplay Joke

being a necrophiliac is hard, corpses are really hard to come by
Perhaps I should think of undertaking something else.

Wordplay Joke

A guy walks into the chemist and says, "Hi I would like some of them novelty gangster rap condoms please."
The Chinese pharmacist says, "Would you like Tupac?"
The man says, "No thanks just the one."

Wordplay Joke

Whenever I misbehaved at school my teachers would always make me do lines at break time.
It's no wonders that I became a cocaine dealer.

Wordplay Joke

I saw this worm in my back garden, so I stepped on what I thought was it's head.
That was the end of it.

Wordplay Joke

I am being forced to flee the country
The farmers are out to get me

Wordplay Joke

There was a fit bird batting her eyelids at me in the pub last night.
I picked them up off the floor and batted them straight back.

Wordplay Joke

My last relationship left me badly burnt.
The judge gave a her three years for arson.

Wordplay Joke

You can imagine my confusion when an invite to the "Eunuch's Ball" came through the door.

Wordplay Joke

BBC NEWS: cd pioneer dies aged 81
thats one for the records

Wordplay Joke

Take it from me, if you go into an S&M club, keep your whips about you.

Wordplay Joke

A mate just asked me if I like Placebo?
Doesn't really do anything for me.

Wordplay Joke

Every time my wife and I cheat on each other, we put a flower in a vase to let each other know.
We have an arrangement.

Wordplay Joke

I have just been speaking to a dyslexic guardsman outside Buckingham Palace. I think what he meant to say was "I'm having problems with my Bear Skin slipping down my Forehead"

Wordplay Joke

I'm not saying Adele is fat as such - just that I recently heard a rumor that Pop 'N Fresh has a poster of her on his kitchen wall for inspiration

Wordplay Joke

I don't know why Agatha Christie books are so popular, it's just a mystery to me.

Wordplay Joke

I'm just finding my feet at work.
I knew joining the bomb squad was a bad idea.

Wordplay Joke

In Yorkshire we call a spade, a spade.
Down in that thar London they use all fancy words for 'em.
Like Autistic.

Wordplay Joke

BBC news: Jordan clashes leave one man dead
Katie Price finally snapped then?

Wordplay Joke

I think my husband is in denial. One minute he's not a cross dresser, the next he's dressing in my knickers and calling himself Francesca.
It doesn't bother me that he's a cross dresser, but I don't see why he just can't be Frank with me.

Wordplay Joke

If you don't know your Latin imperfect endings, you have no Bant.