Wordplay Joke

I have a miniature cat. It was born a normal kitten but I only fed it condensed milk.

Wordplay Joke

My mate just got hold of one of them machines that can always tell if you're lying or not.
A Wife

Wordplay Joke

I hate being in a place where I don't speak the primary language.
It's getting harder and harder to live in Bradford.

Wordplay Joke

If one more person calls me melodramatic, I'm going to kill myself.

Wordplay Joke

Got told by my Psychiatrist this morning that I'm both indecisive and a Kleptomaniac.
I don't know how to take it.

Wordplay Joke

I've just joined a Welsh White supremacist group.
The Llu Llux Llan

Wordplay Joke

I've just bought myself a new four storey house. I'm only going to live on the ground floor, that's my living quarters.

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend told me that I'm too violent and that I 'treat her like an object'
So, in an effort to prove her wrong, I punched her in the face. Which kind of defeated the object.

Wordplay Joke

I'll tell you what really makes me mad.
Infected beef.

Wordplay Joke

Recently, I've been exploring an exciting new avenue. There was me thinking my finger was too wide

Wordplay Joke

I spent all my money buying early 17th century musical instruments.
It left me baroque.

Wordplay Joke

I recently purchased a dog tag.
Rex is a criminal and needs to be monitored

Wordplay Joke

I'm going to be Frank - I think I have a split personality.

Wordplay Joke

I was so drunk last night that I slept on a clothes horse.
I woke up hung over the next morning.

Wordplay Joke

I visited the moon last week and it didn't have a good atmosphere and the people weren't very down to earth

Wordplay Joke

In a desperate attempt to impress my new girlfriend, I decided to show off by naming all the elements in the periodic table, but she wasn't impressed.
I guess I lacked the Chemistry.

Wordplay Joke

My friend had such bad asthma, even though he's dead
he's STILL having a coffin fit.

Wordplay Joke

My mates always say that I have luck on my side.
I prefer to call it an oddly shaped birth mark.

Wordplay Joke

My missus had a go at me today...
It was a pretty good impression actually.

Wordplay Joke

I don't agree with animal testing.
Unless they really need a driving license.

Wordplay Joke

I've found a fighting club where members meet their wives up to fight ...
I've put mine in the division for heavymates.

Wordplay Joke

I've finally grasped the difference between the real world and the Internet world.
Well, virtually.

Wordplay Joke

At nearly 7 miles deep, the Mariana Trench just goes to show that sea-chasm truly is the lowest form of wet.

Wordplay Joke

I've always eaten my food in a military fashion, shuffling the vegetables in the middle, within a mash potato wall, surrounded with a gravy moat ..
There's no escapeas on my watch.

Wordplay Joke

It's my first day at the cheese factory and I hate it already. With no instruction, they just told me to separate the curds in this huge vat.
I'm in whey over my head.