Wordplay Joke

I need to stop drink-driving.
I accidentally Smacked another golfer in the face with my club today.

Wordplay Joke

Apparently it's less than a year until The Hobbit is released.
I didn't even know he was in jail.

Wordplay Joke

As a Christmas treat, I'm going to make some Bucks fizz.
I've got some acid, now I'm off to the deer park...

Wordplay Joke

Piglet was so constipated he couldn't even remember what pooh looked like.

Wordplay Joke

I'm an incompetent engineer with no friends.
I just can't seem to build bridges.

Wordplay Joke

What does Snoop Dog keep in his toolbox?
Four chisels.

Wordplay Joke

Wonder if I'll get nailed for copyright infringement when I open up my new Korean fast food joint, "Unlucky Fried Kitten"?

Wordplay Joke

Watermelon, 50% water.

Wordplay Joke

I'm running a quiz tonight in the pub and every question will be about great military strategists.
It's General Knowledge.

Wordplay Joke

My wife told me to "make her feel like a million dollars"
So I cut her up into small rectangles and neatly stacked her into a briefcase.

Wordplay Joke

Sent a message in a bottle the other day.
The reception was terrible.

Wordplay Joke

I'm just off for a kick about with the lads.
I'll be right-back.

Wordplay Joke

Two ducks in a pond are thinking about elementary particle physics.
One turns to the other and says
'Quark Quark'

Wordplay Joke

What do you say to a women with two black eyes?.
"I knew you'd fall for the Bootpolish on the binoculars trick".

Wordplay Joke

I heard Queen Victoria only counted from two upwards.
One was not amused.

Wordplay Joke

Better late than never. Period.

Wordplay Joke

The missus said we should try Subway at lunch time.
It makes sense, it's a lot safer than crossing a busy road.

Wordplay Joke

Yahoo! is reportedly making a discussion board for underage mums, so they can all meet, talk, and relate to one another.
It's going to be called "Yahoores."

Wordplay Joke

Jacob Ritz; That's a cracker of a name.

Wordplay Joke

My wife just trotted home on a 17.2 hands stallion.
I told her to get off her high horse.

Wordplay Joke

My friends say they cannot believe I'm going out with such a tart.
What can I say, I like Jam.

Wordplay Joke

Trees Can Break Wind.

Wordplay Joke

My wife said to me, "Tonight, in bed, you can do anything you want".
So I invited my secretary over.

Wordplay Joke

I saw an elaborate sketch of some money in an art gallery.
I think it was over drawn.

Wordplay Joke

Hurrah, I've reached the finals of the Tourettes World Cup.
Now it's all over bar the shouting.