I have begun male menopause.
Surely, it's a change of wife.
I once went to a fancy dress party dressed as a nuclear powerstation
The reaction was terrible
Come to Bridgend! Where you can "hang" around with like minded people.
I went to see my Grandmother in the hospice today.
I keep telling her to move out of the stables and back in the house, but she just won't listen to me.
A friend of mine asked me where most Jews are in the world.
I said "Germany".
They're just all underground.
I've just pulled off the mischievous act of putting a pickled flower bud in my mates dinner.
It was a caper.
Saw this man by the side of the road blowing a flute at a snake in a basket.
Thought to myself "Well that's just charming!"
My ex-girlfriend says im a neurotic who always brings up the past.
I say she's a bulimic who's more likely to bring up the pasta
I've recently opened a new pub.
With the vast amount of alcoholics in my area, I've decided to call it The Stumble Inn.
My girlfriend has left me for playing too many stupid word games.
As far as I'm concerned, she can _____ her ______ up her _____.
When I wrote to my dyslexic mate to listen, he soon went silent
Just been in the back garden cutting off some dead heads.
Makes it easier to bury the bodies.
Why do nudists hate salads?
Because they don't like dressing.
I know a Rastafarian who always leaves his house and car open.
He dreads locks.
The doctor said to me today "I think you've got myopia."
I said "I know you're an educated man, Doc, but I'm almost certain that isn't the correct plural of 'my opium.'"
Walking down the street one windy morning, my girlfriends dress blew up.
I obviously detonated it at the perfect moment.
It took a restraining order from Elisabeth Shue to make me realise that my foot fetish had gone too far.
I'm tRNA get an A in my biology test
Being a river inspector i intend to go mainstream
I was frustrated to realise that the Lord was the only hope of salvation I had to block the course of the river.
"God dam it", I said.
"I went to Pete and Mary's wedding last week."
"Oh yeah... How did it go?"
"It was a cracking day, up until the last hour."
"No, I outed Peter."
I was going to make a TV programme about the Mile High Club but the pilot flopped.
I've spent most of my life waiting...
To be this age.
My mate said he'd sue me for slander after I accused him of ripping my tennis net.
I told him it wouldn't hold up in court.
I've just started a job as a mobile plastic surgeon.
I give bust ops at bus stops.