Wordplay Joke

I do backing vocals.
It's me who says, "This vehicle is reversing".

Wordplay Joke

Jason Statham stars in a new movie where he kidnaps young girls for money...
...the McCannic

Wordplay Joke

A Limbo dancer married a Locksmith yesterday...
...the wedding was low key.

Wordplay Joke

Woke up this morning after a heavy night of drinking to find out that I'd gone bald.
Which is strange because normally I go for brunettes.

Wordplay Joke

There's two things I don't like about Nick Clegg; his face.

Wordplay Joke

I do all my addition in my head.
It's the thought that counts.

Wordplay Joke

Saw a woman today who opened the door in her nightie.
I thought, "That's a funny place for a door."

Wordplay Joke

I've got a friend who's a female private investigator. Or gynaecologist, as he likes to be called.

Wordplay Joke

I remember in 1995 when I went to an Oasis gig with my sister and my brother.
And I shouted, "Go Oasis."
Then my sister left.

Wordplay Joke

I was stood at a barberque the other day, 30 minutes I waited for a haircut.

Wordplay Joke

My wife was shocked when she came home from work last night.
I'd wired the door handle to the mains.

Wordplay Joke

My maths teacher asked me, "Do you understand inequalities?"
I replied, "More or less."

Wordplay Joke

Apparently we are going to have a heat wave this summer, the Department of Health has written some guidelines for staying cool:
Wear aviators,
Smoke,
Get a motorbike,
Learn to fix things by thumping them......

Wordplay Joke

I went to the Library today and asked the Librarian, "Do you have any books on naked children?"
She replied, "No, sorry, our books are all on shelves."

Wordplay Joke

I was just about to nail some shelves to the wall.
Then I thought, screw it.

Wordplay Joke

I hate it when I get pins and needles in my feet.
Time to give my crack den a good tidying.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News - "Cuts will hit the poor hardest".
Why? Can't they even afford plasters?

Wordplay Joke

I'll tell you a couple of things that make me jump.
My legs.

Wordplay Joke

I just bet on three horses called Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times, and none of them won.
I blame it on the bookie.

Wordplay Joke

"Let's order some Chinese."
"To do what?"

Wordplay Joke

My friend Max hates going up steep hills.
He's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

Wordplay Joke

I smashed my car into a bus stop full of people last night, got away with a broken arm.
Don't know whose, but it's mine now.

Wordplay Joke

I've made myself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap.
She's a bit clingy.

Wordplay Joke

I recently watched all of the Lord of The Rings films back to back with a friend.
I wasn't the one facing the screen though.

Wordplay Joke

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry sir, I can't serve you, you're off your face!"