My wife got her breast implants put in last night.
Back in my day us kids just threw stones at windows.

I'm a firestarter, twisted firestarter.
I'm also serving a life sentence at Broadmoor prison.

Last night in the pub someone spiked my drink with anesthetic
I think it was a local

I was frozen with fear when I realised several black men were following me
...So I decided to cancel my Twitter account

My ex dragged me through court and tried to take me for everything.
I said to my lawyer, "Surely there's some sort of claws in our contract."

When I told my uncle that I was moving to the Northeast for university he said, "Be careful if you ever go into the centre of Newcastle on your own, there's a lot of dangerous people out there."
"Don't you worry about me", I chuckled, "I'm not afraid of NE1".

It's always been a pipedream of mine to quit my job and work in an arcade but I'm scared of change

I think I'm going to have an Indian tonight.
Whether she likes it or not.

i used to have a blackberry
i got sick of being mistaken for a frenchman

Financial Times: With the current financial uncertainty it is important people get their affairs in order.
Well that's easy.
1) Julie, from the pub,
2) Sandra, the wife's sister,
3) Jennifer, from work.

My girlfriend likes to collect watches for a hobby.
What a Seiko.

My mate told me he had every noise ever made on his ipod and that I could borrow it if I wanted
Now I've heard everything

Whilst walking round the supermarket today, I thought it somewhat appropriate that the Ethopia section of the 'World Food' aisle was empty

"Sorry, I don't date block guys."- Racist lego woman.

This is the fifth time this week that I've skydived into a bakery.
I'm on a roll.

I've never heard of a Dangerou before but apparently there are loads of them at the zoo. Every other cage has a sign saying: 'These animals are Dangerous'.

I looked at my watch this morning and noticed that it was covered with something sticky.
Then I heard someone knocking my door so, still confused about my watch, I went to answer it and saw the Grim Reaper standing there!
That's when I realised that my time had come.

I bought one of those false alarms earlier.
Or at least I thought I had.

I'm always on my cell phone.
There's not much else to do in prison.

My sister's always been an attention seeker.
She has a fetish for sargeant majors.

What do you call flat lemonade?
Still lemonade.

James Bond goes to a Christmas fancy dress party, one of his friends say to him,
"James, you smell absolutely lovely! But what have you come as?" To which he replies,
"A mint spy"

Like my son before me, and his son before him, I'm an accomplished time traveller.

Just been down to the shops to get a new mouse mat.
He keeps on trailing mud into the house every time he's been out.

Spare a thought for all the African children who won't get to see 2012.
Their parents can't afford a DVD player.