When I was shopping in Tesco I went up to the fish counter.
He told me he'd got seven.

I got in a fight in a playground yesterday.
I told some guy to stop stealing the equipment, he took a swing, and it all escalated from there.

Yesterday, I put a bulemic in a washing machine.
It was sick and twisted.

Mum buys the most authentic Indian curry.

My wife left me today and all i have is a goat and a sheep
Its just ewe and me kid

My mate is punching well above his weight with his latest girlfriend.
Her obesity being the main reason he beats her.

What's the difference between the 7 dwarfs and a girls hockey team?
one's a bunch of cunning little runts...

It's the final of Miss World 2011 next week.
My money's on Heskey.

The wife asked me to rent a black comedy while I was in the video shop. Not quite sure how I had got the 'wrong end of the stick' by turning up with 'The Best of Kenan and Kel'

This young Scots girl was handing out flyers for a new takeaway in our town. I noticed they were selling buffalo burgers on the menu.
"That's a bit different," I said. What's it like?"
"Would you like a wee sample?" she replied.
"Not right now," I said, "but I'll have a try of that buffalo burger if you don't mind."

When I went to school in France, the older kids used to throw stock cubes at me.
I was a victim of bouillon.

Some bloke asked me if I wanted to buy a sat nav for 5,000.
I told him where to go.

I just stole 1p off of a pirate.
He became irate.

New Flagship show of BNP TV announced: 'How to solve a problem like Sharia'

I was going to join the debating team today, but I got talked out of it.

My boss was going mad earlier when he found out people had been taking sips out of his brew every time he made one.
I told him I didnt do that sort of thing as it wasnt really my cup of tea.

I was quite surprised when I read that The Sun is the nation's favourite paper.
I've always preferred Andrex.

My younger brother use to love being as a pirate, but then he died at sea.
So long John.

I just attacked a policeman with a flower
It was a fragrant disregard for the law

I'm in a band called 'Is it time for a Kit Kat'
We still haven't had our big break though.

I've decided to inscribe my late wife's last words on her gravestone.
It reads, "I'm stuck in traffic. Can you make tea?"

I asked my medium to summon up the ghosts of Bill Hicks and Mitch Hedberg, but she had no seance of humour.

Trying to learn about Erosion really wears me down...

What kind of meat do Priests eat?
Nun.

I'm not a fan of getting private dances off strippers.
I can't get into them.