Wordplay Joke

My wife wanted me to change the duvets.
It's alright though, I've got them covered.

Wordplay Joke

I get really frustrated trying to spell the word banana, I keep slipping up on it

Wordplay Joke

I tried to e-mail my commiserations to Andy Murray after he lost to Nadal yesterday but unfortunately I couldn't connect to the server.

Wordplay Joke

I bought some baby potatoes earlier.
He just looked at them and dribbled.

Wordplay Joke

Why do milking stools only have 3 legs?
Because the cows got the udder!

Wordplay Joke

My black mate dreads Father's Day.
Then again, he's a Rasta and dreads every day.

Wordplay Joke

What do homeless women use during their periods?
Trampax

Wordplay Joke

I don't want to toot my own horn, but...
...I'm not going to slow down for those children in the road.

Wordplay Joke

My friend decided to barge his way past the traffic to work today. I never knew he had a boat.

Wordplay Joke

There's this stunning girl at our work, even thinking about her gives you such a feel-good boost.
That's Sarah Tonin for you.

Wordplay Joke

I don't see the point in blunt pencils.

Wordplay Joke

Most of my mates wear expensive cowboy trousers.
They're nice chaps.

Wordplay Joke

Got a bad virus from something I ate on holiday. Suspect it was ebola soup.

Wordplay Joke

I'm getting very close to breaking the world record for stacking chunks of beef,
it's getting nervous though, with every chunk I add
the steaks are getting higher...

Wordplay Joke

When women ask me what I do they are horrified when I tell them I'm a stalker.
I had thought that being an apprentice florist would get me in with the ladies.

Wordplay Joke

My wife is pregnant and the doctors have a suspicion my baby will have Downs Syndrome.
I really hope they can tell the difference between right and mong.

Wordplay Joke

Can't wait for spring, will have the usual 50 bet with my neighbour over who's lambs will run faster and jump higher. I love gamboling

Wordplay Joke

If you hit someone with a rhythm stick.
They may sustain an Ian Dury.

Wordplay Joke

Just been to see my leper friend in hospital whos been self harming.
He told me he's been doing grate.

Wordplay Joke

I'm dating a French mathematician who has an obsession for square numbers.
She's really starting to get on my neufs.

Wordplay Joke

I helped an immigrant slip past customs today
I stuck my foot out when he tried to make a run for it.

Wordplay Joke

When people ask me where I'm from, I always say ''a lovely little village in Hertfordshire, not far from Knebworth, called St Evenage.''
It sounds better than Stevenage.

Wordplay Joke

I thought my days as a paedophile were numbered but it turns out I'm still in good touch.

Wordplay Joke

I just noticed that someone had spray painted a stencil of a black horse on the side of a building.
I think it's a Lloyd's Banksy.

Wordplay Joke

My missus had a face lift today.
I pressed 'close door' on the elevator before she managed to get in properly.