Wordplay Joke

My dad just went out and bought me a musical instrument, he said "here's a harp son"
Just examined it for an hour before finding out it isn't a harp at all, it just looks like one.
I can't believe he told me it was a harp, what a lyre

Wordplay Joke

I've just gagged my wife by jamming a cd into her mouth.
In the old days, I'd use tape.

Wordplay Joke

My mates don't see why I make such a big deal out of a mere shape-shifting dog, but it's the principle of The Thing.

Wordplay Joke

My Doctor just diagnosed me with 'airport-itus.'
It's a terminal illness...

Wordplay Joke

I've started a band called 'The Scarts'
I'm the lead singer.

Wordplay Joke

I bet Lord Voldemort
uses Twitter but not Facebook
because he only has followers,
not friends.

Wordplay Joke

"Chile police seek 'fire starters"
Well if I was a cold officer I would want a fire going too.

Wordplay Joke

I slept in today.
Because it was cold outside.

Wordplay Joke

How do the Spanish fish?
They castanet.

Wordplay Joke

I've just witnessed an argument between a shirt and a V-neck.
It was top banter.

Wordplay Joke

There's one place I absolutely cannot stand.
My dog's kennel.

Wordplay Joke

Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they can't find home

Wordplay Joke

I dislike stories involving mythical creatures.
They really drag on.

Wordplay Joke

I was arrested for driving under the influence tonight.
I wasn't drunk. It was my wife's nagging that made me turn straight in to a brick wall.

Wordplay Joke

I love playing chess against Fred Goodwin, my Queen always takes his Knight.

Wordplay Joke

The problem with nursing homes is that breast milk gets all over the walls.

Wordplay Joke

We had a blackout while I was watching TV.
I was delighted.

Wordplay Joke

I've been a captain in the army for ten years now and simply refuse to get promoted further.
They say I've got major issues.

Wordplay Joke

BREAKING NEWS!
German historians have found a second unpublished book written by Adolf Hitler believed to be based on holidaying...
'Mein Kampfing Trip'

Wordplay Joke

Every year Oxford and Cambridge get into a race row.

Wordplay Joke

Going to the park to play football with my son.
It's boring using a ball all the time.

Wordplay Joke

I had a bit of a shock when I found out my parents had put an electric fence around their house.

Wordplay Joke

I accidentally put my earphones in with the L and the R sides the wrong way round.
Now all my music sounds Asian.

Wordplay Joke

Life is tough in the advertising business.
It's a jingle out there.

Wordplay Joke

I just heard that Canada has stopped producing pennies.
It just doesn't make any cents.