I bought my son a chapstick today. It didn't work, he still looks like a girl.

We call our mate Dave the 'Fishing Line'.....
He's slim, tight, and is good at pulling the heavy pounders!

I contacted a company about supplying me some punctuation marks for my shop sign.
I'm still waiting for a quote.

Before my boxing fight the referee asked whether I would fake a knockout for a lump sum.
I told him he can count me out.

I decided to read the Oxford English Dictionary from start to finish today.
I underestimated how long it would take to get used to reading right to left.

whats the difference between U and I...
I is straight .. and U is bent..!

So the worlds going to end today, well i need to get laid today then.
Off to kids kingdom for me.

Kitkats are only 107 Calories?
Pfff, Gimme a break...

My mate is always making disgusting jokes about contortionists...
He's got a twisted sense of humour.

What's the hyp about all of these trigonometry jokes?

The deadliest disease that can be spread on the London Underground...
Tuberculosis.

I bought my girlfriend a helium balloon for her birthday.
Well that didn't go down very well.

In an opposite universe.
There wouldn't be a universe.

Maths puns are the first sine of madness.

My jobcentre advisor offered me a position today, blowing on people to cool them down.
Can't say I'm a fan.

For fathers day my daughter got me a grooming kit.
Shes so thoughtful, now I have all I need to get the kids into my van.

Someone's scratched off all the numbers from the corner of my Scrabble tiles.
It's pointless playing with them now.

I believe The Moon once had vast oceans of water...
Or is that lunar sea?

If I were to rearrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together.
Along with 'E', 'A' and 'O' to optimize organization.

Spent most of this week planting crops.
The jockeys are furious.

What do you call a Chinese man that helps people down stairs?
Ray Ling.

My wife said my problem is I can't handle failure.
"Rubbish," I told her, "I held you after you miscarried."

Champion jockey to win Sports Personality of The Year.
There's an AP for that..

I don't do observational comedy.
I don't see the point...

Good news: I got entered into the World Agoraphobia Championships.
Bad news: I have an outside chance of winning.