Wordplay Joke

When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course"

Wordplay Joke

I wouldn't touch the imperial measuring system with a 3.048m pole.

Wordplay Joke

I've just got a make-shift job at the computer keyboard factory.

Wordplay Joke

A crab walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint please, but if I'm not satisfied with it, I'd like to be compensated with ten bottles of champagne."
The barman says, "Why the big clause?"

Wordplay Joke

What have Alex Reid and Peter Andre both got in common?
Sorry, let me rephrase that.
Alex Reid and Peter Andre have both got into something common.

Wordplay Joke

I once saw Guns N'Roses in Tesco.
I thought, "That's weird, selling them down the same aisle."

Wordplay Joke

I've decided to give up Tea for Len.

Wordplay Joke

I always impress birds by telling them I once had a flat on Park Lane.
I tend to leave out the 'on my mountain bike' bit.

Wordplay Joke

What do you call a woman that wants to be Rich?
Pre-Op.

Wordplay Joke

My computer lets me save up to a dozen videos of musical concerts.
It has a 12 gig memory

Wordplay Joke

As a paranoid schizophrenic, I take the lift alone to my top floor apartment...
I can't handle the stares.

Wordplay Joke

Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Wordplay Joke

I don't mind sharing my cup of tea with a few people but it's not everyone's cup of tea.

Wordplay Joke

All day I've been pretending I'm different types of wood.
I'm board now.

Wordplay Joke

"WE CHARGE AT DAWN!"
"Why not now?"
"Solar-powered charger."

Wordplay Joke

I took a degree in ballet.
I got a 2:2

Wordplay Joke

I was walking down the street when a guy started mugging me:
"Give me any legally recognised organisations that you have that supply good or services to consumers, NOW!"
I thought, "He means Business".

Wordplay Joke

My wife accused me of having 'uncontrollable OCD.'
I put her in her place.

Wordplay Joke

Need help with your short-sightedness? Look no further.

Wordplay Joke

I've been writing songs, each one about different baked goods.
I'm on a roll at the moment

Wordplay Joke

Archaeologists have just discovered an ancient Egyptian ruler embalmed in chocolate.
Apparently it was Pharoah Rocher.

Wordplay Joke

My mate just showed me his new wind turbine.
I was blown away.

Wordplay Joke

I was walking home last night, when I noticed a poor American girl blubbering outside a bar. She wasn't crying, she just had her belly out.

Wordplay Joke

I was at the bus stop and saw a poster of Voldemort with 'HP 7' printed on it.
Kind of spoils the ending when you know he's low on hit points.

Wordplay Joke

I complained to DFS after a sofa I ordered was dumped in the stairwell of my apartment block.
They said I need to take it up with the delivery man.