Wordplay Joke

It's illegal to shout "Fire!" in a crowded market full of pakis.
I wouldn't bother myself, I'd Just pull the trigger.

Wordplay Joke

Working with hovercrafts is tyreless work

Wordplay Joke

I've just swallowed some peroxide.
I think I'm going to dye.

Wordplay Joke

My mate told me he's having an expensive private medical operation to cure his curved spine.
I said, "That's going to set yer back."

Wordplay Joke

My football team played a team from Saturn today.
We ran rings round them.

Wordplay Joke

What is it called when a 15 year old girl decides to become a nun?
Premature Immaculation.

Wordplay Joke

My daughter brought her new boyfriend home today and to my horror he was brown.
"Over my dead body are you seeing an ex prime minister!"
I screamed.

Wordplay Joke

What do we want?
To be precise!
When do we want it?
Half past seven, tomorrow night at Grimsby Tesco car park. Wear a red jumper and some jeans. Bring a packed lunch because there's going to be some team building exercises.

Wordplay Joke

During my boring job on a production line filling various drinks containers,I often contemplate stealing one but I never do.
I just bottle it every time.

Wordplay Joke

What do we want?
More Fat Boy Slim.
When do we want it?
Right here, right now.

Wordplay Joke

The recipe book told me to "slow cook for a few hours",
so I hid all his knives.

Wordplay Joke

Got into a fight this morning while listening to some music.
I had my iPod on scuffle.

Wordplay Joke

I've always wanted to be a bank robber, so I thought it was fantastic opportunity to learn a few tricks of the trade when one came into my local Barclays, and I was eager to learn.
So I took some notes.

Wordplay Joke

Been telling my wife what chronology means for the past two weeks
"Oh I get it now" she says
It's about time

Wordplay Joke

My relationship ended with my ex because I kept making rubgy jokes.
We'll attempt to stay in touch, I'll give it a try anyway.

Wordplay Joke

My mate asked me who had made Germany's 23 man squad for the European Championships
I said "Klose, but no Sieger"

Wordplay Joke

Last night's 3rd round spliff smoking contest went well.
I'm joint leader.

Wordplay Joke

Two clothing shops walk into a bar.
Barman says, "Right, who's Next?"

Wordplay Joke

I'm not sure if I want my indecision to hold me back.

Wordplay Joke

I don't know what people are angling at, but they keep saying I'm obtuse

Wordplay Joke

Firefighters are on standby at the Swan Vesta factory after the workers threatened an all out strike.

Wordplay Joke

I've been trying to get my computer to work.
But, when I got it there, they already had loads.

Wordplay Joke

Last night my wife argued till she was blue in the face.
Is making your point worth being suffocated for?

Wordplay Joke

They say music increases intelligence.
I've been a studious pupil of the pink oboe for years.

Wordplay Joke

When I was younger, I always remember my dad saying, "Son, It's important to have good vocabulary."
If I had only known then the difference between the words Antidote and Anecdote, he would still be alive today.