Wordplay Joke

I've written a book on how to cut onions.
Read it and weep.

Wordplay Joke

My grandma had a nasty trip last week.
Thought she was being eaten by a purple unicorn.

Wordplay Joke

I took some poppers at a party the other night, and it spun me right out.
I only remember a loud bang, then waking up covered in confetti.

Wordplay Joke

I was walked down the street the other day when a man pops out and starts throwing words beginning with 'th' at me.
I dodged This and There but I didn't see That coming.

Wordplay Joke

Disposable beds are unreliable.

Wordplay Joke

Samoa.
The answer to "What's that in the shed?"

Wordplay Joke

I got chatting to this really fit bird in a club the other week.
After a few drinks and that, I asked if she wanted to come back to my place.
"Do you have cable?" she asked.
"Don't be daft," I said. "I've got some rope in the garage that's just as strong."

Wordplay Joke

I woke up this morning at the crack of dawn.
I said, "Dawn, please get off my face."

Wordplay Joke

I'm sure I've already posted my joke about deja vu!

Wordplay Joke

Apparently, when two women live together, their periods can become synchronised.
I found that out from two girls who share a pad.

Wordplay Joke

Ive been off work all this week because my pet cow is sick.
My boss just called to say he thinks Im milking it.

Wordplay Joke

I shaved my husbands moustache while he was asleep
I did it right underneath his nose

Wordplay Joke

A guy tried robbing me at knife point, luckily I managed to disarm him.
I'd just bought a chainsaw.

Wordplay Joke

Highlighter pens are the future. Mark my words.

Wordplay Joke

My dad's just been telling us why he should be employee of the month at Samsonite this month.
To be fair he does make a good case.

Wordplay Joke

What do you call a couple that go fishing together?
Rod and Annette.

Wordplay Joke

The price of owning a faulty jetpack is going through the roof.

Wordplay Joke

Last weekend I pitched a business idea to a mate, and last night he turns up on my doorstep with all kinds of brochures about pet shampoo and hair clippers.
Apparently we have very different ideas about what opening 'The Ultimate Grooming Parlour' would involve.

Wordplay Joke

I went to the pub last night for a few pints. My mate was in a terrible state...
Texas.

Wordplay Joke

I like my women as I like my tea.
Chopped up, put in bags and thrown in water.

Wordplay Joke

I got a lift to work this morning.
Now people don't have to use the stairs.

Wordplay Joke

Cashiers are always checking me out.

Wordplay Joke

I've been sending my mum a card every Mother's Day for the last fifty years.
If she can stay alive for another two, she'll have a full deck.

Wordplay Joke

I was climbing Big Ben for charity, when all of a sudden my rope broke and I fell!
But luckily I got snagged on the big hand of the clock, and then I thought...
Hang on a minute....

Wordplay Joke

Just who is this Mark Scheme who keeps getting full marks on all the maths tests?