I was reading this guy's paper on the bus today, he kept turning the page and I couldn't keep up.
Almost sprained my ankle running alongside it too.

I like to think I learn from my mistakes. Last night is a perfect example.
My son and daughter showed me how to operate my new DVD player.

I'm working hard today.
The fit girl sat opposite me is wearing a low cut top.

My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.

I thought growing my own lettuce would be difficult but it was quite easy in the end.
It's not rocket science.

My friend has a job selling drugs in an area where the police never go through. I asked him if he could describe his occupation in one word, what would it be?
He replied: "Ideal."

I work for the NHS dealing with moving patients between different areas of the hospital.
It's a rewarding job.

I didn't like my haircut at first, but it grew on me.

After a police tip off, a raid on an aluminium factory has been foiled.

My girlfriend always insists on turning off the lights when we make love.
It doesn't really bother me, but it's the hiding that seems so cruel.

BBC News: Teacher Peter Harvey beat a pupil around the head with a dumbbell while shouting "die, die, die," a court heard today.
That'll teach him for not knowing what the singular of "dice" is.

My father worked in a steel fabrication plant.
They didn't produce anything, they just said they did.

A policeman asked me to come down to the station for an interview.
I haven't even applied for a job there.

SKY NEWS: Supernova Star Burst 'Could Wipe Out Earth'.
There was never this sort of problem when they were called Opal Fruits.

When I moved into my new house one of my neighbours came round and asked if I wanted to sign up for the Neighbourhood Watch.
Obviously I refused, given my wife had only just bought me one for my birthday and I could look at it any time I wanted to.

If I had a billion pounds for every time I underestimated...
I would be a millionaire.

Want to pull a Jewish girl?
Just show them some interest.

I was deciding whether or not to get a new bed yesterday.
I decided to just sleep on it.

Deaf people are lip reading as we speak.

As I looked through the lens, I saw a man being decapitated, babies being burnt at the stake, and a woman being skinned alive.
That's the last time I check my horror scope.

I was speaking to a man from Syria today and he said, "In my country, bear fighting is the most popular sport."
"That's revolting." I replied.
"No, that's our second most popular."

I was in line waiting to pay for my petrol and the guy at the front said, "Pump one."
Which got me thinking: "I wonder if the Queen ever says that to Prince Philip?"

I hired a private detective to investigate the sudden death of my Grandad, while in intensive care.
He followed a few leads.
Faulty plug on the life support machine, apparently.

I bought an off-road vehicle in a blind auction.
Got it delivered ... it was a canoe.

I gave my mate an over-inflated balloon for his birthday.
It didn't go down very well.