The Labour Party say that it does not matter that The Sun have changed their allegiance to the Conservatives.
I agree, the Earth doesen't revolve around The Sun does it?
I got wrongfully arrested yesterday for stealing a poppy.
They tried to pin it on me.
Paedophiles and Children go hand-in-hand.
Just got myself a finger of fudge.
I really must get a stronger toilet roll.
I told the waitress in Starbucks that my coffee tasted like mud.
She said, "It's because it was ground a couple of minutes ago."
I once made a submarine out of polystyrene.
It didn't go down very well.
I think we should stop all these tumble dryer jokes before this all spins out of control...
I hate Posters.
They're all stuck up.
I told my girlfriend I'd booked her an appointment with the psychiatrist.
'Why have you done that?!' she exclaimed.
I said, 'You told me the way I take everything you say literally was driving you crazy.'
I saw a woman applying her make up on the bus this morning .
It was a really old bus and benefited from a bit of blusher.
Look out for people lifting small weights at the gym.
They're easy to spot.
Did you hear about the Dutch tap dancer? He fell off and clogged the drain.
Best man's speech - "First of all I'd just like to say that I hope my Mate & New Mrs have a great fortnight in North Wales...." few heckles "they're going to Cyprus you idiot etc etc" I check my notes and say "Oh right my mistake, it's just that he said he was going to Bangor for two weeks?"
When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.
An Internet cafe owner just threw me out and called me a thief.
Honestly. I was just browsing.
Me and my mate reverse our cars everywhere together.
We go back a long way.
My wife asked me "Would you say that I was likeable?"
I said "No love, bulls are male. You're like a cow."
I was getting a really bad glare off the TV...
That's when I decided to seek help for my paranoia.
Wednesday . The longest day of the week.
I think I'm going to have to make a complaint about my doctor. I recently went to see him because of an outbreak of itchy, weeping sores all over my body. He gave me a thorough examination, prescribed a bottle of pills and said, "Just follow the instructions on the packet and you should be back to normal within ten days."
Two weeks now I've been keeping them away from direct sunlight and out of reach of young children, and if anything, my condition has got worse.
It's my wifes birthday coming up and she keeps going on about how bad I am at buying presents. Well this year she's in for a rude awakening.
I'm buying her a Tourettes alarm clock.
"3 Kids Killed in Explosion Involved in Custody Battle"
That's the danger in playing with exploding custard.
As expected, Doctor Who's new herb range has been a success.
After all, he is a Thyme Lord.
My son surprised me with a manual on altering trousers legs.
I thought, 'That's a book for the turn-ups'.
I tried decaff last night.
It's the only place to get a decent cup of tea in Jamaica.