Wordplay Joke

I am totally against battery farming.
I believe tractors should run on diesel.

Wordplay Joke

My wife just left me after making me choose between her and my enormous collection of gadgets.
I have now been left to my own devices.

Wordplay Joke

England certainly aren't going to be Hungary tonight after they get stuffed.

Wordplay Joke

I performed an operation earlier to save a young boy's hearing.
I think it may have gone wrong though, he told me he feels sound.

Wordplay Joke

So my girlfriend said to me 'how come you always walk in front of me?'
I said 'I'm sorry, I don't follow you'.

Wordplay Joke

My chinese friend said he would like to take on more responsibility at the family restaurant.
I told him he was too far down on the peking order.

Wordplay Joke

I keep trying to think of jokes about anorexic thieves....but it's slim pickings.

Wordplay Joke

Figures show that girls are getting fatter.

Wordplay Joke

Capital punishment - It's a sensitive case. Or is it case sensitive?

Wordplay Joke

Ive changed my Mobile provider from O2 to a new service called Gypsy
It has Free Roaming

Wordplay Joke

Nurse, I swear I didn't mean to touch you! It must be the Parkinson's.
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Wordplay Joke

In a recent accident at work I lost my foot. As result, I now stand at an angle.
I would sue, but I'm not that way inclined..

Wordplay Joke

Ironically The One Show is The One Show I always avoid on TV

Wordplay Joke

Just swore at the artist who has painted my portrait.
Most unlike me.

Wordplay Joke

I was looking forward to three good meals a day with plenty of exercise and recreation, but the judge gave me community service.

Wordplay Joke

I hate it when you put my iPod to shuffle and it starts moonwalking instead.

Wordplay Joke

After all the commotion about a possible fuel shortage I thought I'd take the safe option and go to my nearest petrol station and fill my tank with fuel.
My wife is gonna kill me. Once again I've decided it's more important to be able to drive an armoured vehicle around town rather than our family car.

Wordplay Joke

I've joined a rap band with my fellow train constructors.
We have a couple of good tracks.

Wordplay Joke

Asian school kid has one night stand.
But has to replace it with a bigger one because it can't fit all his books.

Wordplay Joke

Living with my wife there is never a dull moment.
It's a continuous one.

Wordplay Joke

My wife's water just broke.
I'm going to write to Evian for a refund.

Wordplay Joke

My mate told me the end to a great film yesterday right at the beginning, and I got so cross.
I stormed out in a rage and smashed the back of his car.
I hate spoilers.

Wordplay Joke

For her birthday, the wife has asked me to get her a personal trainer.
So I've taken one of her Nike's and wrote her name on it.

Wordplay Joke

I visited 'Motown' on a recent trip to America.
Everyone had a really nice lawn.

Wordplay Joke

I saw an angry insect sitting on my french pastry.
It was a Croissant.