Wordplay Joke

My mate said he's got a new job, but all he does is sit at a computer all day every day.
Is that I.T?

Wordplay Joke

My Venus fly trap eats anything from plastic to tin and turns it into toys.
It's a recycling plant.

Wordplay Joke

These 2 men were irritating me today, telling me to remove my trousers.
So I took them down.

Wordplay Joke

My wife asked if she could get the landscape gardeners in.
I said," No way."
She said," Why?"
I said," Because you've already got the milkman, the postman and me in, so there's no spare holes."

Wordplay Joke

I don't believe in Athiesm.

Wordplay Joke

I had to buy a belt sander - I couldn't quite get the leather through the little loops on my jeans.

Wordplay Joke

A man who contracted an infection from fetid yoghurt has been given an unusual cure. He has to sit in a bath of fresh low-fat yoghurt to fight off the bacteria.
Doctors say that he's in good shape.

Wordplay Joke

I took my nan for a pleasant boating trip around the lake today in a row boat.
She kept shouting 'Stroke, stroke, stroke!'.
'I'm going as fast as I can, nan, shut up!', I told her.
It was only when the left hand side of her face dropped I realised she was having one.

Wordplay Joke

I've just started working in the local snooker cue factory.
The pays nothing special, but we make some great tips.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: Laptop driver stopped by police.
Stephen Hawkings by any chance?

Wordplay Joke

Daylight savings.
I won't lose any sleep over it...

Wordplay Joke

A bloke approached me in the pub and offered me the chance to be cloned for 1,000.
I thought: "Someone's trying to dupe me."

Wordplay Joke

As one door closes, another door opens.
I hate being a door to door salesman.

Wordplay Joke

Since I started earning some money, people have been pestering me for help.
This job at Samaritans is more trouble then it's worth.

Wordplay Joke

I just walked past a tramp on the way to the gym..
'Change Please' he kept saying..i felt sorry for him so i took my suit off and got into my gym kit.

Wordplay Joke

There is a designated area in my workplace which contains eyewash and patches in case of accidents with the chemicals we use.
I thought, "That's a site for sore eyes."

Wordplay Joke

Revision - Everytime I do it it feels like I seen it all before.

Wordplay Joke

i told my mate that stainless steel was in the periodic table, but it was alloy.

Wordplay Joke

I went to a vending machine in the university's maths department and bought an 'x bar'.
It was average.

Wordplay Joke

My friend wont stop going on about his neurological disease, it's all M.E, M.E, M.E.

Wordplay Joke

I told a priest a joke about paedophilia, it went down like a lead balloon.
Really well.

Wordplay Joke

My wife lost her wedding ring the other day and described it as the most "mysterious disappearance she'd ever known".
I take it she's never heard of the Frosties kid.

Wordplay Joke

I ran around electrocuting all of the immigrants in town today,
It was such a culture shock.

Wordplay Joke

I'm so lonely these days that I wouldn't even say no to being held at gunpoint.

Wordplay Joke

Sky News: Children Left In Limbo Over Care Decisions
That's not going to keep them safe being bent over like that, it's practically an invitation!