Wordplay Joke

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.
"Just make sure it's nice." she said.
Biscuits it is then.

Wordplay Joke

What do the donkeys on Blackpool beach get for lunch?
Half an hour like everybody else.

Wordplay Joke

I was busy doing Rock Climbing this morning when I thought hang on...

Wordplay Joke

Campanology...That rings a bell.

Wordplay Joke

I used to be good at Maths. That was until they decided to add the alphabet to it.

Wordplay Joke

My wife used to be a regular customer at McDonalds.
These days, she's more of a large.

Wordplay Joke

Walked into a nightclub the other night wearing my ref's kit, pushed my way through the crowd, placed a football in the middle of the dance floor & blew my whistle.
It kicked off.

Wordplay Joke

In school, my teacher asked me if I had any of my own maths equipment.
I said "I have a broken abacus".
She said "That doesn't count".

Wordplay Joke

I went to the Q Awards last night.
It took me three hours to get in.

Wordplay Joke

I was stood in the train station this morning when a girl slipped onto the lines and got her foot stuck. "Help!" She screamed. "I don't want to die this way!"
So I ran over and slit her throat.

Wordplay Joke

My wife always cooks our Christmas Ham in a bottle of wine.
I have no idea how she gets it in there, but it tastes brilliant.

Wordplay Joke

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar.
She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

Wordplay Joke

I joined a chocolate lovers forum the other day.
I was asked if I liked a combination of chocolate, caramel, nougat and hazelnut.
I said I used to but I no longer did.
Then I was banned from the forum for going off topic.

Wordplay Joke

"What's done cannot be undone."
They obviously didn't have shoelaces in Shakespeare's day.

Wordplay Joke

HERBS FOR SALE: Please, no thyme wasters.

Wordplay Joke

Today, for my Dad's birthday, I got up early and crept downstairs to the kitchen silently so I'd be able to surprise him with a full English breakfast in bed.
But then my brother had to go and spill the beans...

Wordplay Joke

It seems ridiculous that Cook wasn't initially picked by the World Taekwondo Federation. I mean, WTF.

Wordplay Joke

"Worker dies in Forth Bridge fall"
I'm just amazed he survived the first three.

Wordplay Joke

I could hear the wife moaning about a wobbly shelf in the kitchen.
I soon fixed that.
I turned the telly up.

Wordplay Joke

I have found out the meaning of life.
It's a noun and the description is on page 327 of the Oxford English Dictionary.

Wordplay Joke

I was on holiday with the lads last week and wanted to get a picture of us all together. The only person around was a black man, so I handed him the camera and asked him to take it.
So he did.

Wordplay Joke

I said to my wife, "We need some sort of fence to protect our beloved goat"
She said, "Wire fence?"
I said "For protection..."

Wordplay Joke

I was in Asda the other day looking for some fancy dress for a Harry Potter party.
I found this great broomstick and asked the cashier how much it was.
"Those broomsticks?" he replied "They're a Quidditch!"

Wordplay Joke

I wasn't always into peer pressure......
My friends got me into it.

Wordplay Joke

I went to the doctors with a red, itchy patch on my arm. I was told the arm had to be amputated.
Bit of a rash decision, if you ask me.